Alby Stone: The Day the Earth Still Stood

Copyright © 2018 Alby Stone

Interior – the Oval Office of the White House. POTUS has his feet on desk and is ‘reading’ the latest issue of Playboy. An aide enters.

AIDE [urgently]: ‘Mr President, the aliens are invading!’

PRESIDENT[reluctantly removing his feet from the desk and his gaze from the centrefold]: ‘Whoa there! Whoa, I say! We talking about wetbacks, boy?’

AIDE: ‘Not the Mexicans this time, sir. These are real aliens, from outer space.’

PRESIDENT [slams fist on desk]: ‘Hot damn. Have the little green bastards landed in this once-again Great Nation yet?’

AIDE: ‘Not yet but they’re on their way. Shall I tell the hospitals to be prepared for mass casualties?’

PRESIDENT: ‘Only for the ones that got insurance, boy. Hey, are you sure about this? What does NASA say?’

AIDE: ‘Er – there’s nobody left at NASA, sir. They couldn’t afford hardware and staff after you cut their funding. I did call them but the janitor was on his break.’

PRESIDENT: ‘Fire the disrespectful asshole. He had it coming. So how come we know about this alien invasion?’

AIDE: ‘Routine interrogation of a suspected Muslim, sir.’

PRESIDENT: ‘Hey, I thought I’d thrown all those bastards out of this once-again Great Nation?’

AIDE: ‘You did, sir. But you didn’t rescind the executive order quotas for tort…  – I mean, enhanced interrogation of suspected Muslims. And others. The CIA has been rounding up anyone with a beard, just to make up the numbers for those reports you never read. There’s only ZZ Top and Ted Nugent left.’

PRESIDENT: ‘I always said the CIA are our greatest weapon in the war on terror. Those boys are keen, I’ll give them that.’

AIDE: ‘Erring on the side of caution, as you told the British Prime Minister.’

PRESIDENT [sighing]: ‘Was that ever a disappointment. When they told me Mrs May was gonna be paying me a visit, I thought they meant Brook Power. Instead I get an old broad who looked like she’d just won a lemon-sucking contest. And why the fuck was she wearing a Guantanamo Bay jumpsuit? I’ll never understand women. Or the Brits. Anyway, what did this terrorist guy say about the aliens?’

AIDE: ‘It only took a few sessions of waterboarding to make him spill the beans, Mr President. He told us all we need to know. The aliens are gonna land on the White House lawn with a big silver robot. Seems they sent spies here years ago to check us out, a little fat guy with a long neck and a bunch of others up at Devil’s Tower in Wyoming.’

PRESIDENT [slams fist on desk]: ‘Devil’s Tower? Shit, they must be Satanist aliens. That silver robot sounds pretty cool, though. What else did he say?’

AIDE: ‘He told us everything, sir. Sang like Dolly at the Grand Ol’ Opry. Thanks to him we now know there’s going to be a robot rebellion and a plague of zombies, and a big war in some place called Westeros. I think that’s near Switzerland. He also told us where Elvis is hiding out.’

PRESIDENT: ‘You see? I always said torture works. Say, I got an idea. I’m gonna build a wall around our Great Planet. And I’m gonna make the aliens pay for it, one hundred per cent.’

AIDE: ‘Might be a problem there, Mr President. Since you cut funding to all government agencies and deported all the foreign workers, the construction industry has collapsed.’

PRESIDENT: ‘What about good old American know-how?’

AIDE: ‘You fired all the scientists because they disputed your alternative facts about alleged global warming and – well, pretty much everything.’

PRESIDENT [slams fist on desk]: ‘Those assholes had it coming. Damn. If the American people get wind of this there will be mass panic. My popularity rating might even go down. We’d better have a news blackout.’

AIDE: ‘No problem there, sir. Since you closed down most of the lying fake news agencies and pissed off Rightfart there’s only Fuchs left. And right now they’re busy covering the Clinton trial.’

PRESIDENT: ‘Is the Pentagon on standby?’

AIDE: ‘Mr President, the Pentagon is always on standby. But the military is thin on the ground since you cut the defence budget to pay for the total abolition of federal taxes and the alterations to Mount Rushmore.’

PRESIDENT: ‘One gold-plated Dump has got to be better than four outdated chumps. Well, I’m sure the NRA will step up to the plate. What about the nukes?’

AIDE: ‘Still aimed at North Korea, China and Mexico City, as per your instructions. We can’t change that because the new eyes-only target codes were in that last security report.’

PRESIDENT: ‘You mean…?’

AIDE: ‘Yes, sir. The one you wiped your butt with.’

President [slams fist on desk]: ‘Screw those CIA assholes! They shoulda warned me!’

AIDE: ‘They did try, Mr President. You fired the Director because he disagreed with the alternative facts, remember? And the one after him. And the one after…’

PRESIDENT: ‘The assholes had it coming. And only an asshole would believe fake news over alternative facts.’

AIDE: ‘Of course, sir. But the codes were the next item on the agenda.’

PRESIDENT: ‘Agenda? There was an agenda?’

AIDE: ‘You wiped your butt with that too, sir.’

PRESIDENT [slams fist on desk]: ‘Fuck it, I’m gonna fire the nukes anyway. That’ll make those Satanist alien wetbacks sit up and take notice. I’ll show those tentacled liberal fuckers I mean business. Who cares about a few dead commies and a bunch of radioactive Mexicans? The assholes had it coming. Nobody dumps on Dump. And we’ll be just fine in the bunker. Okay, now tell me. When’s the comeback concert?’

AIDE: ‘Sir? Comeback?’

PRESIDENT: ‘Elvis, of course. I want a front table.’

AIDE: ‘I’ll get right on to it. But sir, what about the response?’

PRESIDENT: ‘Response? What response?’

AIDE: ‘Nuclear response from China, sir. If we nuke ‘em, they won’t just let it go.’

PRESIDENT [slams fist on desk]: ‘I don’t give a flying fuck what the Chinese think. The only opinions I value are those of the people of this once-again Great Nation.’

AIDE: ‘Er, that’s because you’ve deported, executed or jailed anyone who doesn’t agree with you. Rightly so, of course.’

PRESIDENT: ‘The assholes had it coming. Damn. There’s only one thing for it. We have to go to Retcon 1.’

AIDE: ‘Um – don’t you mean Defcon 1?’

PRESIDENT: ‘I know what I mean. We need some backdated alternative facts, pronto. And the backdated alternative facts are that the feminazis, commies, liberals, Obama, Hillary Clinton, Muslims and Mexicans are responsible for this alien invasion shit storm and the coming nuclear catastrophe. Call the Pooch. This is his territory.’

AIDE: ‘Uh, you fired the Pooch, sir.’

PRESIDENT: ‘I did? Well, I guess the asshole must have had it coming. Right, get somebody else onto it. See if that guy from The West Wing is available. Meanwhile, I’ll go on Twitter and tell the people of our once-again Great Nation the reason the aliens are coming is the deal Obama made with that Australian motherfucker, and we can work up a story about the aliens being responsible for the Burning Man massacre.’

AIDE [shocked]: ‘There’s been a massacre at Burning Man?’

PRESIDENT: ‘Watch this space, son. The assholes had it coming. Rich people should play golf and make deals, not dick around in the desert like a bunch of fucking hippies. Okay, problem solved. Now what I was I doing?’

AIDE: ‘You were looking at the Playboy centrefold, sir.’

PRESIDENT: ‘Bullshit. I was reading the features. Hey, can you get me a coffee and a cheeseburger? And while you’re out, head down to the National Archives and bring me the Constitution.’

AIDE: ‘The Constitution? The original?’

PRESIDENT: ‘Yeah. I need a crap and I’ve run out of reports.’

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.