Alby Stone: A Touch of Pan

Copyright (c) 2020 Alby Stone    

Another midnight, another bloody crossroads. Humans are so unimaginative, always choosing tradition over comfort, or even common sense. It would be nice, once in a while, to be summoned to a table in a well-appointed bar, or perhaps a lounger by a swimming pool in the Algarve on a warm, sunny day, a tray of ice-cold cocktails and a bikini-clad beauty or two to enhance the sea view. But no, there I was yet again on a wet, chilly night in the middle of nowhere, dragged to discomfort by another nobody who wanted to be somebody. Early June in Buckinghamshire, if the airborne tsunami, poorly-maintained road and ambient smugness were any guide.

But where was the client? I squinted but couldn’t see a damned thing through the water streaming down the Perspex visor, which was also misting over on the inside thanks to that absurd surgical mask.

I like to set a good example, and Christ knows humans need one. They certainly haven’t done too well in that department themselves, preferring to imprison, execute or assassinate anyone born with an ounce of compassion, decency and common sense. The present situation only underlined just how fucking stupid so many of them are. As, to be fair, did most of their history. But I digress. I needed to see who I was dealing with, so I removed the visor and mask and threw them into the air, where they vanished with a barely-audible pop.

My heart sank when he emerged from the shadows. Not him again. We already had a meeting scheduled a few years down the line but no, that wasn’t enough for him. I’d never met anyone who needed so much attention. He would try the patience of a saint, and I’m certainly not one of those. ‘What the hell do you want now?’ I growled testily. There was a strangled squawk as a parakeet fell from a nearby tree, stone dead. And another from the creature he was holding by its feet, upside down and very angry. ‘What did I tell you about poultry? And put down that stupid machete before you have someone’s eye out.’

Smith – let’s maintain the pretence, as it’s more fun to work it out yourself and besides, I am bound by strict rules of confidentiality – replied with one of those looks the British public seem to adore: sheepish, furtive and arrogant in equal measure. The effect was somewhat undermined by the chicken shit on his suit and a stray tail feather sticking up on the crown of his head. ‘Well, ah, I, I…’ he extemporised.

‘Come on,’ I sighed. ‘Out with it. I haven’t got all bloody night. But I should warn you that you have everything you asked for and, frankly, nothing left to pay me for anything else. And for heaven’s sake close your mouth when you do that. You look like a parson’s nose sticking out of a haystack.’

‘Look here,’ he blustered. ‘You can’t talk to me like that. Do you know who I am?’

I stared at him. Did he really think that line would impress me? ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘And you know exactly who I am.’ I grinned, extended my height by six inches and my pointed beard by twelve, and gave him a little whiff of brimstone. He flinched and took a step back. ‘So piss or get off the pot. I don’t have time for self-serving timewasters like you. I was playing darts with a bishop when you brought me here, and later I’m booked for snooker with Jimmy Savile and Jeffrey Epstein.’

His face fell. For a moment he seemed exhausted and vulnerable, an honest man who’d given his all, beaten the disease, yet still faced insurmountable odds. For a whole nanosecond I was perilously close to a billion miles away from feeling sorry for him. Fortunately I’ve always been exceptionally good at resisting temptation. ‘Spit it out,’ I commanded.

‘It’s this bloody virus,’ he blurted. ‘It’s playing havoc with the economy. The nation is facing bankruptcy, utter ruin. Companies going bust, my chums losing dosh like there’s no tomorrow. My popularity is plummeting. People are even dying, though thankfully no one important has popped their clogs yet. Can’t you do something about it?’

‘Me? What makes you think I can do anything? I don’t control viruses. Or anything else. I’m strictly a crime and punishment guy. This is his work.’ I jerked a thumb in the direction of the waterlogged night sky, making several points simultaneously. ‘You’d be better off nipping into a church and getting down on your knees. Though with your background there’s no way you’ll be heard. Not without deep, loud, celestial laughter by way of reply.’

‘But what about the Bible? It’s you, isn’t it> Four horsemen and all that. Plague is one of them, right? Or is it Pestilence? Or Poverty?’ He shuddered at the last.

‘Nothing to do with me,’ I told him. ‘The book you are referring to was written by a bloke who was completely off his head on infections caused by excessive mortification of the flesh, plus dodgy mushrooms and the odd slice of mouldy bread. We’ve all tried to figure it out over the past two thousand years but neither we nor the guys upstairs have the faintest idea what Mad John was going on about. My old mate Mingscum reckons it was written as a satire on contemporary socio-religious values in the context of cultural upheaval caused by rapid expansion of the Roman Empire. Says it’s hilarious. But Mingscum does have a very strange sense of humour. The more ruthless he is, the more he laughs. A law unto himself.’

‘Sounds like somebody I know,’ said Smith uneasily.

‘I’m sure it does,’ I replied.

‘Can’t you do anything?’

‘All I can do is offer advice that would solve all your problems.’

He leaned forward eagerly. I lengthened my right arm by a metre or so – yes, along with the visor and mask I like to set a good example by maintaining social distancing – and tickled the chicken under her beak. She was a fine specimen and I knew a male of her species who was pining for company. ‘Yes, all I can do is offer advice. Trouble is, it’s way too late for that. This one’s down to you, Smith. Good luck, because you’ve fucked up royally so far.’

‘But it isn’t my fault,’ he groaned.

‘Not entirely, no. Part of it is the collective responsibility of you and anyone else who served in your party’s governments over the last decade. And anyone who voted for you, really. Maybe if you’d been less fixated on austerity and that dreadful European business you’d have been more willing to ensure the PPE stockpiles set aside for this very situation were audited and kept up to date. Maybe if your lot had spent less time and effort shafting the NHS and running it on a shoestring there would have been more critical care beds, nurses and ventilators when they were needed, like now. Maybe if you’d spent less time and energy shagging around and positioning yourself for personal glory you would have paid attention to what your country really needed.’

‘But it needs me.’ He puffed himself up and assumed that now-familiar expression he thinks makes him resemble Winston Churchill but actually makes him look like a sheepdog with its bollocks caught in a mousetrap. ‘I’m the man with vision and plans. I’m in charge.’

‘You keep telling yourself that. Not that your plans amount to much more than getting your leg over, avoiding difficult conversations in public, and repeating cheesy slogans ad nauseam as a poor substitute for substance. But I’d watch my back if I were you. As soon as this is over and your mates need someone to blame, the knives will be out. Look what they did to Thatcher – and they worshipped her like a goddess. Okay, it was that scary Hindu one with the skulls and bloody swords and all the arms, but even so.’

‘Well, if you can’t stop the virus, how about doing something about my image? The public already think I’m an entertaining sort of chap, even lovable – but I need to be seen as a statesman, a stable and reliable chap with the interests of the hoi polloi at heart. Champion of the Great Unwashed. A man of the people, eh? Why should I be remembered by the oiks as the man who presided over the pandemic disaster? Shouldn’t be too difficult. You are the Father of Lies, after all.’

‘Actually, that’s Mingscum – though to be honest his current favourite human protégé isn’t too far behind. Me? I never lie. That would make me no better than one of you, and that would defeat the whole point of my existence. My function is essentially juridical and I am, and must be seen to be, beyond reproach. Though that doesn’t stop you mortals blaming me for your own character flaws. Read my lips, Smith: I gave you what you wanted, admittedly for a handsome price, but what you do with it is up to you.’

‘Ouch – look here, will you take this bloody bird? He keeps biting me.’

I rolled my eyes so that the irises disappeared upward and reappeared from my lower eyelids. I love doing that. Guaranteed to put the willies up anyone from small children to the Pope. Just ask him. ‘He’s a she and chickens don’t bite, they peck.’ I took the fowl in my extended arms and patted it on the head. She nestled contentedly against my chest.

It’s not generally known that I’m an animal lover. A few thousand years ago, when I was only a kid, some halfwit humans saw me out and about in a Greek forest frolicking with the local wildlife, and a myth was born. Horns, tail, cloven hoofs – I don’t often manifest like that now, usually only when I’m communing with nature, but I suppose it is quite a potent image. Back then it scared the yokels shitless. And the name they gave me that day has seeped into human consciousness, directly through etymology or by homonymy, an explosion of lexical associations culminated in the here and now. Pan. Panic. Panorama. Pandemonium. Pangolin. Pandemic. Spooky, eh? All because a bunch of ignorant foragers thought I was some sort of zoological deity. And now here I was bickering with a fool who couldn’t even orchestrate a pantomime properly and who’s been caught with his pants down more often that Brian Rix. But that’s evolution for you.

I decided to call the hen Pandora. My mouth watered at the prospect of scrambled new-laid eggs for breakfast. They’d go down a treat with devilled kidneys.

As far as I was concerned, my business with Smith was concluded. It was time to get back to the bishop. I had some excellent ideas for that triple-six finish. And I needed to check that the cues were sharp enough for my stint on the green baize with Jim and Jeff. There was also the future to consider. What games would suit Smith? I shrugged. I had a few years to think of new entertainments. An eternity to dream up many, many more.

Smith’s lower lip quivered as I began to emanate the sulphurous mist that has become a trademark component of my departure routine. ‘So you’re just going to leave us to get on with it? Sink or swim? Have you no compassion?’

I laughed in his shifty face. ‘It wasn’t me who failed to ensure that the pandemic PPE stockpiles were audited, checked and updated. It wasn’t me who ignored early warning signs and fucked off on holiday instead of getting my arse in gear and making plans. It wasn’t me who delayed, downplayed, prevaricated and acted the fucking goat while the virus spread and people began to die by the truckload. Compassion? That’s what I am, mate. I’m the one who sees what you horrible bastards do to one another and tries to mete out justice for your crimes of selfishness, stupidity, hubris, laziness and greed. I’m the one who cannot ignore the suffering of innocents, who is unable to turn his face from human brutality, cruelty and treachery. I’ll let you into a little secret. Do you know what an egregore is? Well, that’s me. The embodiment of your species’ need for justice and punishment, for retribution, restitution and redress. For balance. You humans made me to keep your baser instincts and desires in check – then had the bloody cheek to turn me into the cause of all your sins.’

He gave that some thought, about thirty seconds worth, which is quite a long time for him if it doesn’t involve getting his leg over. ‘So, if you’re not the embodiment of evil, who is?’

‘Have you read the Bible? I expect not, as it contains no pithy Latin soundbites likely to impress posh totty and facilitate the swift removal of lingerie. Well, here’s your starter for ten. Which Biblical character is the most greedy, jealous, narcissistic, controlling and vengeful? Who has serious problems with anger management? Who commanded the Israelites to commit genocide, enslave women, and mutilate their son’s penises? Who impregnated a twelve year-old girl without her knowledge or consent? Who arranged his own son’s torture and execution? Who gave the Israelites a weapon of mass destruction? Who destroyed whole cities because they didn’t follow his instructions? I won’t even mention poor old Job. So who was it? I’ll give you a clue – it wasn’t me.’

‘You mean…?’

This is the big problem with egregores. The more solid and realised we become, the more we are thought of as gods. And, being essentially constructed from human nature ourselves, we all too often get too big for our boots and start acting the part, throwing our weight around. We become dictators, every bit as bad as Mugabe, Pol Pot, Hitler, Ceausescu, Stalin… Of course, there are those like me who detest authoritarianism and try to promote freedom of thought. We have some successes – polytheistic religions tend to have inbuilt checks and balances – but monotheistic systems give full rein to spiritual totalitarianism. And the bigger they become, the more permanent they are, and the more they will absorb of humanity’s dark side. Believe me, if there ever comes a time when everyone believes in only one god, Homo sapiens is screwed. Because the sole remaining egregore will be an Adolf Hitler, not a Jesus Christ.

‘Believe me, Smith. You’d be worse off upstairs. Nothing but worshipping that vicious egomaniac and singing his praises for eternity. It’s a place fit only for the mindless. At least my people offer variety.’ Yes, a million and one different torments, all adopted from the ever-expanding repertoire of good old Homo sapiens. We learn from the best. And why reinvent the wheel?

‘Well, thanks very much for the theology lesson,’ Smith said huffily. ‘But if you can’t help with the pandemic and put the shine back on my popularity, it leaves me on a very sticky wicket. What am I to do?’

‘That’s your business, sunshine. According to my calculations I won’t take delivery of you soul until – well, let’s leave that as a surprise. But until then you are responsible for your own actions and must accept the consequences, which for you should be a novel experience. You could make use of that good solid British common sense, if you’re ever lucky enough to encounter some.’

‘Common sense? That’s no use to me.’

Well, I never thought it would be, but I had to make the effort. Four years earlier, Smith had taken advantage of a legal loophole to offer me the souls of the entire population of the United Kingdom in exchange for the political bagatelle that would kick-start his ascension. Obviously, I didn’t do a damned thing to help him achieve that – in my experience stupidity tends to take care of itself – but what humans always fail to realise is that the deal is meaningless, mere window-dressing. Sure, there’s a contract, but it’s the desire for that which completes the sale. Once you decide to do it, that’s it. You’re mine, permanently. Oh, I don’t own you, but that same subconscious desire for justice which created me dictates that sin must be punished. In other words, as is so often the case with you jumped-up apes, you do it to yourself. The same goes if you allow someone else to do commit heinous crimes on your behalf. And, Mr and Mrs British Voter, and all those encompassed by your votes, you have done it. It’s what happens when you accept a political system that makes you government property. With any luck your descendants will push for a formal constitution that makes government subservient to the will and needs of the people and which makes its institutions less important than the wellbeing of the masses. Frankly, I’m not optimistic about that either. I mean, have you seen the United States of America lately? There’s not much point in a constitution if you encourage some deranged fuckwit to defecate all over it simply because he tells you that all the stupid things you believe and fear are true, and that none of it is your fault, especially when it is.

‘Look,’ I said, ‘this virus is out of my hands. It’s a natural phenomenon. It must run its course, make people ill, take lives. It’s what viruses do. Human intervention can slow the spread, find palliatives and care for the sick, perhaps find a vaccine. All governments can do is make sure your doctors and nurses have everything they need, follow scientific advice, set clear guidance on how people can keep themselves and others safe, and ensure workable plans are in place to look after the old, the vulnerable and those left without money. Popularity should be the very least of your concerns. But if that’s what you want, just have a think about what will make you popular again.’

Smith frowned. ‘Well, we did the main thing we were elected to do. Other than that…’ He shrugged.

He really was hard work. ‘Well, what do the people want?’

‘Oh, that’s easy. They want the pubs open. They want to go to the beach in this nice weather. They want their children back at school. They want to be able to travel on crowded trains and buses again. They want to have parties and get drunk and have sex. Barbecues and shopping. Visiting their families and friends. Ordinary, safe stuff.’

‘Unfortunately, that’s exactly what they shouldn’t be doing when there’s a lethal and highly contagious virus doing the rounds.’

‘But it’s what people want.’ His face now bore that optimistic but slightly guilty expression that usually means he’s thinking. And suddenly I knew exactly what sort of plan was hatching within that unruly nest perched on the top of his head. A really stupid one.

‘You can’t,’ I said, horrified. ‘It’s too soon.’

He waved that away. ‘Poppycock and fiddlesticks. The British people know what’s best for them. Common sense, remember?’

He stared into space. I had ceased to exist for him. He saw only that approval rating, climbing and climbing. Another term in office. A reputation repaired. Posterity smiling upon his memory. Casualties irrelevant if he could only pull off the unthinkable and give people what they want. They’d love him for it of course they would. It was only common sense, right? Good solid British common sense. No doubt Smith meant the kind of common sense that in recent weeks had been the prerogative of politicians, government advisers, footballers, and other complete and utter fucking idiots who think they can get away with it. Common sense? Why, only yesterday fools were jumping off cliffs for a lark and burning down mobile phone masts because even bigger fools had told them the virus could be transmitted electronically.

But I digress yet again. Blame the lockdown. It’s been weeks since I had a decent face-to-face conversation. As I said, I like to set a good example. That’s why I introduced darts and snooker as torments – the space between the oche and the bishop’s arse or face is perfect for social distancing, as are the width and length of a snooker table – and insisted upon two-metre pitchforks and red-hot pokers. I’ve even been communicating with my hellish but frankly dull minions by Skype and Zoom. I had no idea so many of them had cats.

I sighed yet again and began the manifestation reversal process. Glowing sulphurous mist, dimming of ambient light, eerie silence, a vague suggestion of manic laughter. I’m not what you’d call a stickler for tradition but I know what works.

The hen clucked nervously but cheered up when I stroked her feathers. She and Johnson the cock would make a fine pair. I put Smith and his follies to the back of my mind and thought about eggs and their uses. ‘Tell me, Pandora,’ I said. ‘Have you ever seen Alien?’

Alby Stone: Words of Fire

Copyright © 2020 Alby Stone

In his dream, smoke rose and billowed above Alexandria, a vast, boiling cloud of ideas broken down by flame and recoded in black dust, caught by the wind and transported across the world to be inhaled and swallowed, to settle and be absorbed in other ways. Each dark speck was a seed that took root and grew, spreading through blood and nerves, ultimately flowering in an unsuspecting brain. In China, slaves and sweating peasants ingested Aristotle and Pythagoras, laughing at the absurdity of their plight. Princes and generals from Ireland to Japan awoke in a fever of hieroglyph and cuneiform. Queens, priestesses and fishwives debated Plato and Socrates. Soldiers bewilderedly sang fragments of Homer, Virgil and Euripides as they marched across Europe and into North Africa and Asia Minor. Children everywhere breathed Strabo, Ptolemy and Hesiod. In Australia and the Americas nomads traced alien symbols in the dust with sticks, prayed to Isis and Jupiter and Astarte, Jesus and Hekate. The soot of ancient knowledge and legend seeped into every mind and soul. And humanity was transformed.

Then he awoke and everything was as it had been before he went to bed. Yet another unfathomable, yearning dream. There had been many of those lately. He wondered if he was losing his mind. It’s the silence, he thought as hot water cascaded over him. The sudden loneliness. As if the whole world had died and nobody bothered to tell me. Where did everyone go?

But of course, they hadn’t gone anywhere. They were merely invisible, the sick locked away like a guilty secret, the healthy cowering like frightened mice behind the city’s skirting boards. The few who walked the streets were only the ghosts of vanished crowds.

Leaving the shower was an ordeal. The towel was rough because he’d run out of fabric conditioner. Low on shower gel and laundry detergent, one toilet roll left in the cupboard. Still enough basic foodstuffs to last a couple of weeks, if you didn’t mind scurvy or gustatory boredom. It was, he supposed, time to top up his supplies. Not a problem. He needed the exercise anyway. Work could wait.

If the library of Alexandria hadn’t burned, would we be any wiser? It was, he thought, doubtful. Recent events had only confirmed a lifetime of vaguely negative impressions, all of which added up to the conclusion that most members of the Homo sapiens Club were stupid, lazy, greedy, selfish, fearful creatures who needed a damned good kick up the backside. A couple of centuries’ worth of compulsory education, public libraries and the internet had done nothing to dispel ignorance and gullibility, or to enable people to trust anyone who didn’t look or behave exactly like them. Was it really impossible to make humans read and learn, or listen to wisdom rather than blindly follow the latest folly, panic with the rest of the herd?

It hadn’t been like those apocalyptic films where the mob takes to the street, randomly looting and burning and ultimately turning on itself in an orgy of killing. In real life people don’t behave like that when they believe collective doom is imminent. They turn to family and friends and secure their homes. Irrationality may be the order of the last days, but wanton violence and destruction are pointless in the face of extinction. Rioting is for those who think they might have a future. Those who expect to die go shopping. He’d watched dispassionately from the sidelines as terrified shoppers filled their trolleys with jaw-dropping quantities of goods, squabbled over the last toilet rolls and packs of dried pasta, rammed their way to check-outs like uncoordinated tank regiments.

Breakfast, coffee and a cigarette. While everyone else was fighting over basics in the supermarket aisles, he’d calmly strolled to the corner shop and stocked up on the things that made life bearable. Caffeine and nicotine, chocolate and sugar. The shopkeeper had taken two paces back as he’d stepped forward to place his purchases on the counter and ask for what was kept behind it, then he’d politely done the same when the man added tobacco to the pile. A repeat performance for payment and change. It was a kind of dance.

Dancing mania had been one consequence of the Black Death. Nobody really knew why. Explanations ranged from diseases that affected the brain, organised cult activity, and mass mental illness. Dozens, hundreds, even thousands of people danced at a time, all ages and both sexes. No social distancing in those days. Not like now, when the choreography was more akin to old-style Irish stepdance. Arms down, a chaste space between, no touching. All desire for physical contact concealed beneath straight faces. A headlong return to the puritanical separation of bodies.

The streets were empty except for lifeless cars, a couple of cats, and one woman on a bicycle who sped past with her head down as if her remaining time was numbered in seconds rather than years. As it might well be if she carried on cycling like that and another vehicle came out from one of the side streets. Then again, she might already be infected, though she looked young and healthy enough to have a very good chance of survival. He wished her well. He wished he could shake her hand, just to feel another life touching his.

At least the air tasted clean.

Only five people queuing outside the supermarket. A strict one-out, one-in policy, enforced by a masked and gloved security guard. A couple of minutes and he was inside, wire basket in hand, a complicated soft-shoe shuffle to maintain the required distance from the handful of customers searching for their personal necessities. Bread, cheese, butter and milk, some fruit and salad leaves, onions and tomatoes, the coveted laundry products and toiletries. There was more on the shelves than the last time he’d shopped. Even toilet rolls, so he grabbed a pack of nine. An orderly, evenly spaced line of only six people waiting for the checkout. Exchanging money for goods, a recaptured fragment of the old normality. A smile for a smile. Thank you and goodbye. Keep safe. See you again, maybe, if we’re spared.

Why couldn’t it have always been like this? Had people really been so happy and content in the angry, noisy chaos they’d made?

The same empty streets on the way home, a movie reel played in reverse. The only change was an old man walking a dog. They looked well fed but starved for company, hungry for a word. Kindred spirits. He called a ‘good morning’ that came out rather more cheerfully than he’d thought he would manage. Both dog and owner perked up at that, one smiling and raising a hand in acknowledgement, the other wagging his tail. Two words were all it had taken to put a little shine on someone’s empty day.

Indoors, he put the kettle on and stowed his new supplies. More coffee, another cigarette. He switched the radio on, hoping for good news. But all he heard was that more were infected, more had died, and more support was needed for various essential workers, vulnerable people and victims. The government, as usual, was issuing confused and contradictory instructions and its members demonstrating an extraordinary talent for exacerbating what was already a monumental disaster. The Prime Minister, who only a couple of weeks earlier had confidently stated that the virus was no worse than flu, and bragged that he was still shaking people’s hands, was in isolation and on his sickbed. Meanwhile, his deputies continued to parrot the same lies. Everything was under control, even though it quite clearly was not. A decade of cuts to the health service and police were now being shown up as self-destructive penny-pinching. And, suddenly, incomprehensibly vast sums of money that supposedly hadn’t existed before were being conjured up from nowhere. Because, as politicians and other so-called experts kept saying, the present crisis was unprecedented.

Unprecedented? The history books said otherwise. The Antonine Plague. The Plague of Justinian. The Plague of Cyprian. The Black Death. The Cocolitztli Epidemic. Spanish Flu. Polio. Asian Flu. Yellow Fever. HIV. SARS. MERS. Ebola. Swine Flu.

There were many more, and that was only in the last two millennia. Epidemiologists had been predicting for years that a lethal global pandemic would appear sooner rather than later, accelerated by modern methods and patterns of travel. Biological warfare had been a real possibility for decades. Yet it seemed no government anywhere in the world had a plan in place to deal with such a pandemic when it happened. The evidence was there for all to see. Not enough medical staff, protective equipment, ventilators or medicines. No preparations for ensuring universal, equitable distribution of food and other essential household items, no methodical support for the vulnerable. No continuity arrangements for education, childcare for essential workers. Insufficient police to maintain public order. Instead, all response was by afterthought, made up as the politicians bumbled along as clueless, afraid and disorientated as the people they were elected to serve and protect. The opposition party wouldn’t have done anything differently. Comprehensive plans made behind the scenes don’t win elections and quiet preparation doesn’t improve popularity ratings. Now it was impossible to tell whether what the politicians were saying and doing was an expression of genuine concern for others or an elaborate face-saving exercise being improvised on the hoof.

For the want of a nail… A stitch in time… As you sow… Opportunities not taken, the future never truly addressed. Profit and power before the needs of the people. Personal ambition before public prosperity. Still dancing to the paymaster’s tune while the dance floors and concert halls became makeshift hospitals and mortuaries. Politics in a diseased nutshell.

A plague on both their houses.

More coffee and a couple of paracetamol for the headache that had been building since waking. He booted up the computer and opened a document at a pristine white page. A deadline loomed and he hadn’t yet written a single word. He thought back to his dream and hoped fire was kindling behind a brow that was warmer than it should have been. Or was that his imagination?

He smiled wryly at the unintended double entendre. Maybe he could start with that. An echo of his dream. All the textbooks and plays, poems and novels he’d absorbed in a life of reading, melting together and combusting in his overheated skull, exploding outwards. Words of fire raining down upon that virginal expanse of pixels as instant alchemically-generated stories. Shockwaves repopulating the empty streets and pubs and shops with hybrid fictional characters re-enacting chaotically merged narratives. Atomised plot and dialogue descending in flammable inky droplets to disinfect the world. A wildfire of ideas to burn away the old order and clear the way for fresh growth.

He coughed.

And coughed again.


Alby Stone: Gaudete

Copyright © 2019 Alby Stone

My heart sank as soon as he shambled into view. I don’t know who he thought he was fooling in that get-up. A school blazer and cap, grey flannel shorts with a catapult protruding from one pocket, a skewed Old Etonian tie, a prosthetic scab on his right knee and an artful smear of mud on the left – he looked utterly ridiculous and still instantly recognisable. You know, that deliberately unruly thatch of hair, the furtive expression, the round-shouldered stoop… Did he really think he could get away it? Well, probably. After all, he’s made a career out of appearing to be what he’s not. But he didn’t recognise me. My disguise was a far superior affair.

Allow me to explain. My usual occupation is rather different. But at this time of year there is far less demand for my normal services. Peace on earth and goodwill to all men, women too in these otherwise unenlightened times. Yes, people might not mean it, but by convention they say it and generally do it. Happy this and merry that, presents for colleagues and relatives they can’t stand, wishes of health and prosperity to people they’d rather see dead in a ditch. It’s mild stuff. Hypocrisy of the most mundane kind, barely registering on the old Sin-O-Meter. Not worth the candle. So for a couple of weeks in midwinter I tend to be at a bit of a loose end. Besides, I have to keep my employees busy. It doesn’t take much effort to repurpose a demon and make a Krampus or a Turoń or whatever. Only a change of name, really. Quite a few of us extra-human types work more than one job. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest. For me, the change is effected by bleaching my hair and beard, temporarily deactivating my brimstone glands, and stuffing my face for a few weeks in the run-up to Christmas so that my usual svelte six-pack loses definition and is enlarged appropriately. Hadn’t you realised? Those appalling office parties, awkward team lunches, the vile socks and inappropriate ‘fun’ gifts, the anodyne carols, Seventies Christmas hits on an endless loop in the supermarket, indigestion and hangovers, the debt and regret – yep, that’s all down to me. Sideswipe punishments for poor self-control, petty envy, and not treating your elderly aunt well. Only a thin line separates Saint Nick from Old Nick. A costume, the belly and beard colour, when you get right down to it. Mind you, getting the weight off after the Yuletide blow-out is a bugger.

So there I was, parked in a tacky Christmas display in an equally tacky shopping mall, bouncing small kids on my knee and listening to their Christmas wish-lists. I was rather enjoying myself. Kids are alright, in the main. They haven’t grown into the worst adult vices and the vast majority haven’t yet done anything bad enough to warrant my alter-ego’s attention. None of them tell the whole truth, but their little white lies are charming rather than alarming. Sure, I’ll see quite a few of them later in their lives, or after, but in childhood they get the benefit of the doubt. Besides, this is a holiday for me too, you know. I like to get into the festive spirit. A plate of mince pies, a box of chocolates, the odd nip from a hip flask of Glenmorangie with a splash of Highland Spring, the company of innocents, the joy of bringing joy for the sheer hell of it – my idea of heaven. Better than the real thing, in fact. I have a long memory.

And I certainly remembered the oafish creature swaying in my direction, spearheading a small army of shades-and-shoulder-holster minders who were clearing the punters out, sealing entrances and even casting suspicious glances in my direction. But what was he doing there, and why was he dressed as a schoolboy? No – he couldn’t be. Surely not, not even a shameless chancer like him. Could he? Really? Oh yes, of course he bloody well could. He barged into my grotto like a dyspraxic bull in a cluttered china shop and plonked his overfed arse squarely on my knee, which nearly buckled under the strain, then grabbed hold of my beard to steady himself. I have no idea how I managed to stay in character. Nor, indeed, how I refrained from summoning a brace of strapping Krampusse to stuff him in a sack and drag him down to that place where he’ll end up one day anyway. Or what possessed me to play along with his pathetic ruse.

‘Ho, ho, ho,’ I said. ‘Hello, little boy. What’s your name?’

‘Oh – um – ah,’ he replied. ‘It’s – er – Bo… er, Bob. Bob, um, Smith. Yes, that’s right. Bob. Bob Smith.’

 ‘Well, is it Bob or Bob-Bob?’

His eyes shifted rapidly from side to side. ‘Bob-Bob.’ He can never resist over-egging anything. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d called himself Rex Mundi.

‘Yes,’ I said, with a sage nod. ‘You strike me as a two-bob kind of boy. Tell me, have you been good this year?’

The eyes oscillated wildly. ‘Gosh, I, I, I, I, I, er, um, well, you know. I may have slipped once or twice, in a microscopic way. Nemo mortalium omnibus horis sapit, and all that.’

Acta deos numquam mortalia fallunt,’ I replied. That’s not actually Latin for ‘don’t bullshit a bullshitter’, but in the context it amounted to the same thing, though with a much sharper edge. Bob-Bob blanched, which was the response required of a man who’d built a glittering career out of not entirely fake gaucheness, lies, cheap publicity stunts and Latin quotations to signal the quality of his education and membership of the ruling class, but he retained his composure. Credit where it’s due. The man had been born with more brass neck than a steampunk robot giraffe. ‘Have you told any lies?’ I asked.

He puffed out his chest. ‘I have never lied,’ he lied.

I raised my impressively back-combed white eyebrows. ‘Never? What about the stuff on the side of the bus? And that letter to your boss? And, unless I’ve dreamed the last couple of decades, just about every public utterance you’ve ever made?’

‘Fake news. Humbug, balderdash, tommyrot and fiddlesticks. Nonsense propagated by envious gnashgabs and malicious snollygosters.’

‘You mean honest journalists and the people you’ve shafted over the years. Who, one assumes, have some awareness of the law with regard to libel and slander.’

‘Disagreeable fustilarians to a man. And woman.’ He frowned. ‘I say, have we met before? You seem awfully familiar.’

‘We have indeed met prior to today,’ I told him. ‘Just before that rather entertainingly destructive referendum. You wanted to be Prime Minister and I made it happen, even if it was against my better judgement. We made a deal, remember? You signed a contract and paid top dollar for my services. Sixty-five million, if memory serves. Plus one. I wonder who that particular one could be?’

Naturally, he’d failed to fully grasp the implications of our contract, and I daresay the inevitable consequences will come as a complete surprise. I’d bet good money that he believed he was destined for the Other Place, and I don’t mean the House of Lords. It takes more than an obsolete vocabulary and a smattering of Latin to make a man clever, even if it does impress the plebs. Bob-Bob was the worst kind of fool, the sort who thinks he’s a genius because he’s somehow managed to con people even thicker than himself to vote him into office. And he was the epitome of an even worse type of scoundrel, those who think the circumstances of their birth and membership of particular clubs entitle them to power, irrespective of their stupidity, incompetence and moral bankruptcy.

‘But you were less – and now you say you’re more – and why are you dressed up like that?’

‘I could ask you the same question. But as I already know the answer, I won’t. As for me, I have two jobs, this one being strictly seasonal. A bit like you with your political career and the newspaper columns. Anyway, let’s get down to business. What would you like for Christmas?’

He shuffled about on my knee, clearly in some discomfort. I hoped it was haemorrhoids. They always go well with a nice hot poker, I think. Or those eye-watering barbed butt-plugs invented by one of my more creative lieutenants, which come with a matching spiked ball-gag and optional gimp suit lined with razor wire. Not that it would a one-time choice between the fire-iron or the BDSM gear, obviously. Eternity is a long time, and that’s an awful lot of hours to fill, so flexibility and innovation are essential. Really, the most vexatious problem was deciding where Bob-Bob would be quartered. He was equally qualified for the Second, Fourth, Eighth and Ninth Circles of my realm. Maybe I could literally quarter him? That might be amusing. I may be an old hellhound but I’m open-minded and always up for a new trick.

‘I, ah, would like to be Prime Minister.’

‘You’re already Prime Minister,’ I pointed out. ‘That one’s done and dusted. A one-shot deal, no repeats, in accordance with the rules. You have it, now it’s up to you to hold on to it. Wouldn’t you rather have a train set or a set of carved wooden soldiers? An orange? A compendium of games? An X-Box or something similar?’

‘But there’s a General Election coming up. I might lose to that terrorist-hugging Marxist vegetarian surrender-monkey crank with the beard. The country would be ruined. Taking back control might be delayed. Or worse. So I want to be re-elected.’

Nothing to do with him losing the limelight or getting pushed off the gravy train, of course. ‘Let me get this straight. You turned to Satan – now you’re turning to Santa?’ Same difference, you might say, now that you know the facts; but there is a distinction, to me at any rate. And it involves another kind of contract. One deal depends on bad intent – the other requires basic goodness. ‘Let me repeat the question,’ I went on, stifling a sigh. ‘Have you been a good boy?’

He took off his generic school cap and tousled his hair just a fraction more. ‘Of course I have.’

I shook my head. ‘No you haven’t. You’ve been bad so often I’ve lost count. Lied to everybody about pretty much everything. Not just little fibs but whopping great porkies. You’ve betrayed your friends and supposedly loved ones. You’ve shown a distinct lack of compassion. You’ve shifted blame onto the innocent. And that’s just in the last few months. Going further back, you have a frankly jaw-dropping record of elitism, arrogance, hypocrisy, cronyism, self-promotion, venality, bullying, treachery, borderline bigotry, dishonesty, evasiveness, insensitivity, laziness, poor judgement and incompetence. The only surprise – except for the fact that a lot of people have been stupid enough to vote for you – is that you haven’t ended up behind bars. And I don’t mean pulling pints and short-changing drunks. Do you really think you deserve such an expensive Christmas present? Because I bloody well don’t, and you wouldn’t have it even if it was within my remit.’

‘But my country needs me. Only I can make Britain great again,’ he proclaimed, adopting a facial expression that he presumably thought noble and heroic, though it actually made him look like he’d been caught with his hand down his trousers outside a girls’ school.

‘You’re the last person your country needs. You’ve never grasped the fundamental point of democracy – that government exists to serve all the people, not just to bolster the interests of bankers and big business and your posh chums. You don’t understand the responsibility of leadership. Salus populi suprema lex, as Cicero said to me shortly before his execution. You see ordinary people as serfs and cannon-fodder at best, and those who don’t or won’t or can’t serve your purposes are just vermin.’

‘Well, yes,’ he said. ‘But is that really an obstacle? That’s the natural order, isn’t it? Some are born to rule, and others to do all the tiresome menial stuff. Hierarchy is a historical constant. The people need to be ruled. Semper idem. Everyone accepts that we can’t all wear the top hat.’

Thinking about it, history was liberally peppered with leaders who were indubitably much worse specimens of humanity than Bob-Bob. And if not him, there were certainly those in his party I would hesitate, on humanitarian grounds, to employ as tormentors of the damned, let alone lead a nation. Let’s be honest, even the most vile dictators were either elected to office or had, initially at least, popular support. It’s how they got there. In my experience, turkeys tend to vote for Christmas with great enthusiasm.

‘Fair point. But look here, in my other professional capacity I made sure you became nicely positioned to take over the reins when your predecessor cocked up. Remember the referendum? I sent one of my top operatives to ensure that went your way.’

‘You did? I don’t remember anyone with, er, you know.’ He raised his hands to his head and made index-finger horns.

‘You wouldn’t have noticed him, but he was there. Gone freelance now. I suggest you give him a try. But I can’t give you what you want.’

‘Why on earth not?’

‘What I did for you before was a contractual obligation. A one-off, as I said. This is a different kettle of fish. Everyone knows that Santa doesn’t actually provide Christmas presents. They come from family and friends, not the North Pole.’

He was dismayed. For a moment I thought he was going to burst into tears. ‘You mean Santa isn’t real?’

‘Don’t be obtuse. Of course I’m bloody real. You’re here talking to me now, aren’t you? No, my midwinter role is more ceremonial, a kind of semi-formal test of a child’s good behaviour, even if nobody takes it seriously nowadays. In my main job I’m a stick, in this one I’m the carrot. Or do you really think I zoom around the world in a sleigh hauled by flying reindeer and somehow manage to deliver presents to children everywhere in one night? Get real. Reindeer can’t fly and even if they could there’s only so much stuff you can pack into a bloody sleigh.’

‘So you can’t grant me the keys to Number Ten for another five years.’

‘That’s right. But cheer up, Bob-Bob. As a favour to you, I’ll make the call to that fellow I mentioned. He’ll see you right.’ And he would. Mingscum, my former henchman, is utterly ruthless, no scruples whatsoever. Great technique, simply find a like-minded human and sit on his shoulder, day and night, invisible, whispering and whispering and whispering until they get the message. He’s insanely creative and works like a hyperactive Trojan. Spin, smears, fake news, hoaxes, contract killers – it’s all in a day’s work. Okay, he’s as mad as a box of psychotic frogs on acid, and in his human form – which he only uses when he fancies a beer – looks only marginally like an example of Homo sapiens. But if he can’t get someone elected, no one can. Our client lists overlap considerably.

‘What kind of money are we talking about?’

‘Not a penny in mundane dosh. He deals in the same currency as me. Special dispensation because he’s a mate. I expect he’ll want all those souls that have arrived in the UK since you became PM back in July, when I fulfilled my side of our bargain. The rest are mine, don’t forget.’

He was, surprisingly, shocked. ‘But… but… Babies. You’re talking about babies.’ The glimmer of conscience was unexpected, but even the worst of people have one or two lines they are reluctant to cross. This was going to be a stern test of his moral limits.

I shrugged. ‘Even a demon has to earn a crust. It’s your decision.’

Bob-Bob failed the test miserably. In ordinary circumstances, I would have thought there was a flicker of hope for him yet, but predictably ambition and lust for power got the better of him. It didn’t really matter anyway, not for Bob-Bob. His ticket to the Inferno had been irrevocably punched. But he was unable to see that far ahead. Chancers seize the moment and are blind to consequences. They don’t plan for the future. ‘It’s rather tempting,’ he mused, eyes brightening as the tiny spark of compunction was extinguished by a mudslide of ego and ambition. ‘Are you sure he’ll be able to deliver?’

‘There are no certainties, Bob-Bob. A gift can only be from the giver, and this one is in the hands of the British people. But I’m sure he’ll be able to loosen their grip.’

He removed his rump from my knee and drew himself to his full, unimpressive height. He’s not as tall as he looks on television. ‘Well, thanks for that,’ he said. ‘Must be off, tempus fugit and carpe diem and what have you. Cow to milk for the cameras in Somerset this evening. Or is it a bull?’

‘Oh, I’m sure it’ll be all bull,’ I told him.


It was a breathtakingly audacious election campaign. Bob-Bob and his pals told enormous, easily discredited lies and were often caught out. Bob-Bob engaged in numerous risible publicity stunts and resorted to the most appalling behaviour under pressure. He was by turns evasive and shifty, offensive and callous. He and his cronies insulted, smeared and slandered the opposition. He demonstrated at every turn just how out of touch with ordinary people he really was. The television cameras captured each and every dirty, shabby moment of what by rights should have been a complete and utter car-crash of an election campaign.

And the public gobbled it up. They chose to believe things they knew to be untrue. They turned a blind eye to his cock-ups and gaffes, were deaf to the truth. They ignored all the bad things that had happened to them because of his party’s policies in the preceding years, and somehow forgot that his party not only comprised the very same rabid ideologues responsible for the very worst, but had wilfully purged itself of anyone with even the tiniest streak of compassion and empathy. The turkeys not only voted for Christmas – they clamoured for cranberry sauce and begged for the carving knife. His party’s rejoicing was a sight to behold, somewhere between VE Day and a poorly-orchestrated Nuremburg rally.

That New Year’s Eve, my annual month of Saint Nick performances over, I had an afternoon drink with Mingscum in an uncharacteristically subdued corner of the Westminster Arms. It’s one of my favourite pubs, a good place to size up potential future acquisitions. I never have trouble getting served there, or finding a free table. Nothing wrong with my mojo. I was my old dapper self, in a cutting-edge black suit – let out at the waist by my ex-papal tailor to accommodate that stubborn festive paunch. The hair, beard and eyebrows were mercifully trimmed and back to black. Mingscum, as usual when he took on a mortal coil, was dressed like a tramp who’s just purloined a set of ill-fitting clothes from a suburban washing line. He also wore his trademark facial expression, that of a vaguely depressed homicidal maniac.

I congratulated him on another job well done. Hats off to the master craftsman, the undisputable centrifuge of spin. ‘How do you do it?’ I asked.

Mingscum’s grin would have curdled milk and terrified small animals, had any been present. ‘The trick lies in keeping it simple,’ he said. ‘Humans like to be told that nothing bad that happens is their fault – especially when it is. All you need is someone to blame. Jews, Muslims, black people, communists, the EU…’ He necked half a pint of Spitfire, belched contentedly. ‘It doesn’t matter, so long as they’re “not like us” in one way or another. And you can spin that any way you want. Don’t have a job? Okay, it’s not because you’re a lazy sod who can’t be arsed to get out of bed for anything less than a thousand quid a day and a free unicorn, it’s because some lousy foreigner has stolen it. Don’t own your own home? That’s not because you don’t have a job, it’s because the luxury twelve-bedroom mansion with a swimming pool that should have been yours by birthright has been given to some refugee terrorist. Tell people what they want to hear. Emphasise that their prejudices and anxieties are more reliable than the opinions of people who actually know what they’re talking about. Have one great big slogan and repeat it at every opportunity. Humans love a vapid illusion of certainty. You can leave the rest to unenlightened self-interest, confirmation bias and collective narcissism. And, of course, our reliable old friends hate, ignorance and stupidity.’

‘But what about all the dishonesty? Every time I turned on the telly old Bob-Bob was standing there with his metaphorical trousers down because yet another of his lies had been soundly refuted. Surely you can’t spin that kind of blunder.’

Mingscum laughed. ‘Actually, the fact that he’s been caught out so often worked in his favour. All those people who’d become convinced that someone was doing them down – I’d laid that groundwork during the referendum campaign – they saw him as one of them, a fellow victim of the liberal metropolitan elite. They rooted for him, and every fuck-up he made only cemented their sympathy. Good old Bob-Bob, they thought. Laugh at him but don’t get serious because that’ll make us think and we don’t like that.’

I shook my head in wonder and admiration. Mingscum really understood these ridiculous creatures. Alright, I knew the theory, but he totally got them, what made them tick, all the weak spots, every quirk and phobia and folly. If I ever decided to retire, I’d certainly recommend him for my job. ‘So many of them,’ I said. ‘Are they really so uncritical? I mean, his track record is seriously crap and it’s out there for anyone to see. Five minutes on the internet should be enough to put anyone off.’

‘Fooling them has always been easy, and it’s even easier now than it used to be. Most humans get their information from their social media feeds, and hardly any of them can bear to tear themselves away from all those posts and tweets. They simply don’t have time to think or research. Why spend five minutes looking up a politician’s voting record when you could be posting a selfie with puppy ears, whiskers and a cute wet nose? Why bother checking the truth of a news story when it tells you exactly what you already know to be “true” – even when it’s a fucking outrageous and obvious falsehood? Shit, I wish smartphones had been around when I was putting young Goebbels through his paces. Nazism would have gone viral within six months of the Munich Putsch. World domination by emoji and status update.’

‘I take it you were involved in the last US election?’ I’d watched the TV coverage with admiration, and thought it had Mingscum’s sulphurous fingerprints all over it, but this was our first opportunity to catch up.

‘Yeah, that was one of mine. Smartphones again. Brilliant invention. Mind you, that ungrateful bastard fired me as soon as he’d won. Said I’d violated the terms of our deal by not getting him a bigger share of the vote. Refused to pay, impugned my demonic honour. I’m going to do a little pro bono work for his opponent next year. That’ll teach him a lesson. Anyway, I daresay you’ll be seeing him soon enough.’

‘Yes, I have a nice spot on a bookshelf lined up for his head. Mussolini at one end, him on the other.’

‘I can see the resemblance,’ said Mingscum approvingly. ‘A nicely balanced tableau. Maybe you should go into interior design.’

‘Who do you think gave them the idea for the Big Brother house? And don’t forget Crinkly Bottom. That was fun. You got Pestilence drunk and persuaded him to audition for Mr Blobby. I couldn’t believe it when they gave him the job.’

He sighed wistfully. ‘Ah, the good old days. I do miss working with you, Nick. The camaraderie. The screams and groans echoing through the smoky caverns. The delicious aroma of roasting flesh and red-hot iron. The free healthcare package, which is more than these poor buggers will have in a couple of years.’

‘Never mind. Look to the future. I expect Bob-Bob will be in need of your services again when the next General Election comes round.’

‘Oh, I think he will. I mean, can you see all those rabid right-wingers in his cabinet allowing him to actually make life better for ordinary people? I should fucking cocoa. No, I reckon by then things will be so bad in this country that even I won’t be able to swing it. Even humans aren’t that stupid. Mind you, I’m always up for a challenge.’

I finished my pint of Bishop’s Finger – which reminded me, I had another soiled clergyman of that rank to attend to when I got home – wished him a happy new year, and ambled toward Westminster tube station and the Circle Line, spotting a number of clients, both present and future, as I crossed Parliament Square and passed the seat of government. I thought of what Mingscum had just said. He was right, of course. Most humans are incredibly, unbelievably stupid, not to mention greedy and selfish. Intellectual laziness seems to be hard-wired. The majority care about nothing but themselves and instant gratification of base desires, unto oblivion. All those literary novels dealing with the human condition talk about things like angst and happiness and fulfilment, but it’s all rot. The human condition is simply terminal. And they’ll be taking the rest of the planetary life with them, which is a shame. Meanwhile, their leaders do nothing but wring their hands, shed crocodile tears and watch the cash pile up while the oceans rise and forests burn, and species wink out of existence one by one. Global warming? I’ll give those presidents and prime ministers and corporate walking piggy-banks a bloody warming, one they will literally never forget.

And that brought to mind Bob-Bob’s final utterance as he left my grotto and stomped awkwardly toward his minders. He looked at the jars of sweets I keep handy as a treat for my normal child-sized customers and said ‘I say, have you got any gobstoppers?’

Why not? Smiling through the white beard, I opened a jar and gave him the biggest gobstopper I could find. It would do until it was time for the ball-gag, not forgetting the butt plug and gimp suit. In perpetuum.

Alby Stone: Surviving Christmas

Copyright © 2018 Alby Stone

Ahead, the Pole Star and a horizon hidden in darkness. Behind him, a long, meandering trail of furrowed footprints in the snow. Back further still, among trees and rocks, the shredded remains of his blue Cessna 185. Escaping that with only small cuts and a few bruises had been a miracle worthy of the time of year. But he was lost and cold and alone. His winter clothes wouldn’t keep him alive for long in the Alaskan night.

It had been a routine flight, right up until the storm hit. One last job before the holiday. Anchorage to Kodiak and back, returning home from a charter – scientists one way, cargo the other, he’d done it a hundred times without incident, could do it in his sleep. But not this time. First the lightning, then the wind, instrument failure followed by loss of power and a near-blind descent through dense snow and hailstones the size of his fist. A freak, completely outside his experience, impossible to predict. Not even time to send a distress call before the radio died and the plane slipped into its downward rollercoaster glide. Now he was in deep trouble.

The cargo – cardboard cartons filled with Inuit and Yup’ik handcrafted goods, small wooden carvings, necklaces and amulets made for tourists – had some minor cultural significance and maybe monetary worth but no survival value. Blankets would have been useful, maybe even a pair of snowshoes. Nor had there been anything in the plane. No weapons, no cigarette lighter or matches to make a fire, no food. All he had was an empty flare gun – fired and unanswered – and what he stood up in, a red anorak and lined cargo pants, Timberlands; thermal underwear, shirt and sweater. Dressed for cold, but not this kind of cold. This was Shit Creek, and he had no paddle. At least the grizzly bears would be fat and asleep at this time of year. But there were other predators. Not that he’d have to worry about them, not the way the temperature was falling.

He trudged on, the Pole Star his only target. There was nothing else to aim at. Hopefully, if he went north he would still be roughly on course for Anchorage. A long, hard trek, though he might just make it or strike lucky by stumbling across a road with traffic. A slim chance, but not wholly impossible. But if he’d overshot Anchorage completely and ended up in the Denali National Park, well, he might as well lie down and die right now. Six million acres of mountains, trees and snow might look beautiful on a postcard, but to a man in his position it meant only a cruel and sad death from exposure. Or worse.

What a shitty way to spend the last few hours of Christmas Eve. By now he should be in the Blue Fox or – his favoured hangout when a job paid out – Darwin’s Theory, knocking back a beer or two before going home to his apartment, then in the morning driving over to spend Christmas Day with his folks. Roast turkey and mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie. Giving and opening presents. His mother fussing over him as if he was still her little boy, his father smiling easily and spinning bourbon-lubricated yarns late into the evening. Would he ever see them again? It was looking doubtful.

He was tired but had to keep moving. Shivering was good, so was feeling cold. It was when you stopped feeling the cold that the real problems began. Hypothermia caused disorientation and hallucinations, and gave rise to irrational behaviour. Paradoxical undressing, a desperate shedding of clothes as blood vessels constricted to cause an unbearable and treacherous hot flash. Terminal burrowing, where you dug into the snow like an animal, a crazed last bid to keep warm, forgetting that human beings just weren’t designed to do that. Frostbite was another danger. His hands and feet were already numb, as were his nose and ears. Even if he was rescued, even if he somehow made it to safety, it was likely that not all of him would be going home.

A movement caught his eye, then another, just ahead and to his right, something slinking silently from tree to tree, little more than a shadow, hard to identify in the gloom. Whatever it was, it didn’t seem large enough to be a threat. A fox, probably – perhaps a lynx or wolverine. Animals that wouldn’t attack a grown human, though they wouldn’t think twice about feasting on his corpse. Not a wolf, at any rate. He was fairly sure of that. In this neck of the woods they travelled in packs. Please God, no wolves.

Or maybe he was suffering from that delusion he’d read about when he was a kid, where travellers in snowy wastelands think there is an additional member of their party, a phantom who vanishes when a count is made. Not a ghost, of course. He didn’t believe in ghosts. But surely it was only wise to be afraid of whatever out here might be mistaken for one?

Sometimes the very thought of fear brings the thing itself, a blind and unreasoning dread that may sometimes propel but more often than not simply petrifies. And now, by admitting its existence, he’d let it in. It filled his soul with an inner chill that matched his surroundings and threatened to overflow, to burst out as a scream. He fought it down and forced his feet to keep moving. One after another, striving to maintain pace length. Eyes fixed firmly ahead, no sideways glances. Swing that leg, half a yard and ram it forward, make another bone-wearying trough of a footprint. Then another, and another. Wishing he was shorter and less bulky, the belly smaller, less to carry around. So hard with the snow so deep, with freezing muscles and blood screaming for sugar, exposed skin yearning for honest warmth.

Keep going. You’ll soon be there.

Be where?

You’ll see. Soon.


‘You’re a tough bastard, I’ll give you that. When your plane came down I gave you an hour, maybe two, assuming the crash hadn’t killed you outright. But six straight hours of walking in these conditions? By rights you should be very dead by now. I’m impressed.’

He opened his eyes and slowly sat up, surprised to find that he was indeed alive, lying on a bed and covered with thick blankets, the inner chill banished. Welcome heat from a fire he could not see. Something smelled good and cheering.

She spoke again. ‘Here, drink this. It’s not too hot, but take it slowly.’

He took the cup gratefully, sipped the extra-sweet coffee, the warm liquid soothing his chapped lips. The caffeine and sugar quickly hit the spot, quickening the blood and clearing some of the fog from his mind. His limbs and fingers were still stiff and his limbs ached, and his vision was slightly blurred. He examined his fingertips, gently touched his ears and nose. He wiggled his toes. Everything felt normal, no pain or numbness, nothing missing. He was alive and had astonishingly escaped even frostbite.

The woman came back into view. She was, he guessed, around thirty – pretty in a homely kind of way. Light brown hair worn long and loose, greying a little. Striking amber eyes. A grey dress from neck to ankle, long sleeves. Thin but lithe. Hands that spoke of hard work. Toothy, friendly smile. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Tired and a little achy. Picked up a bruise or two in the crash. I feel good, though, considering the alternative. Where am I?’ His voice sounded strange, hoarse and wheezy. Obviously he wasn’t yet completely unfrozen. He drank more coffee. It tasted like fiery nectar.

‘My home. Found you lying in the snow nearby when I went out to look for rabbits a while ago. You were wet through, near-frozen on the outside. Had to take most of your clothes off. Hope you don’t mind.’

He realised that beneath the blankets he was only wearing his thermal vest and shorts, and laughed weakly. ‘Mind? You saved my life. I can’t thank you enough. You live out here on your own?’

‘Not at first. There were others.’ She shrugged. ‘It’s hard out here. They were old, got sick, accidents. Just me and the kids now. They’re in the other room now, sleeping.’

‘You have kids here?’

‘Boy and a girl, still pretty small.’ She looked away. ‘Their father passed just a month ago. Went hunting, never came back.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that. I guess it must be quite a way from the nearest town. Seems a strange place to live. I don’t mean to be rude.’

‘That’s okay. We came here just because it’s so isolated. Away from people, you know. It’s a good place to live, even in winter. Beautiful in sun or snow. It provides all I need, usually. It’s home.’

There was, he sensed, a story behind her words. The solitude, the simple clothes – he guessed maybe she belonged to some religious sect or back-to-nature movement. But there was also something strange about the cabin, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. It was square, maybe twenty feet by twenty, the walls hung with plain ochre and green blankets, no windows, just the hearth and the bed. He couldn’t see a stove or cooking range, chairs or cupboards. Maybe this was just one room of several – this must be a bedroom and that door must lead to a larger living area. But there was a white carpet, and in one corner was a Christmas tree, shrouded in tinsel, multicoloured baubles gleaming in the firelight, so tall its top was lost somewhere in that high, shadowed ceiling. It looked gorgeous.

‘Did you see my plane come down?’

She shook her head. ‘Heard it crash, that’s all. Nothing else out here to make a noise like that. I figured you’d be on your own. Light aircraft, late on Christmas Eve? Only working planes would be up there, and in these parts that usually means a one-man operation. Didn’t know exactly where it came down, or how far it was, so there wasn’t much point in going out to look. I guessed whoever was in it was heading for home. Roast turkey and mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie. Presents. Family. Mom and dad.’

‘How long have I been asleep?’

‘A few hours.’

‘It must be Christmas Day by now, damn it. I’m going to miss Christmas dinner.’

‘Don’t worry, there’s food here. Enough for a feast. Not that you need building up. Plenty of meat on those bones.’

His teeth began to chatter. ‘I’m feeling cold again,’ he said drowsily.

‘You should get some more sleep,’ the woman said. ‘You’re exhausted. Here, I’ll lie alongside you to keep you warm. Christmas dinner can wait a while.’

‘You’re so kind. Thank you.’ He closed his eyes, slept deeply.

He dreamed he was in a forest clearing, supine in a deep bed of snow that covered his body from the navel down. Scattered around him were a red anorak, black cargo pants, Timberland boots, a sweater, a green plaid shirt,a thermal vest. His mouth was filled with barely melted snow. The clearing was roughly square, walled with spruce and larch. Above him rose the majestic Milky Way, a sparkling curve of silvery dust set with stars that blazed like jewels in the cloudless night sky. But his eyes were dimming, the picture fading back into a slumber that would be deep and eternal.

The wolf rose from his side and licked her grey chops. This was her home and tonight it had provided. The human was bigger than most of the few she’d seen in her time. Enough for a feast, enough to keep them alive for another few days until something else came along. Survival was all that mattered. Her belly rumbled. She called to her hungry pups.


Alby Stone: Grandfather

Copyright © 2018 Alby Stone

Remembrance is both good and bad. You just can’t beat a well-constructed happy memory. Equally, you can’t really escape past misfortune, not by moving forward, not by forgetting, nor by reinvention. No matter how you regard or reshape your history, the bad things still happened – and they happened to you. Rewriting in the now does not change that.

It’s a little more complicated for me, but the rule still applies.

I called my grandson this morning. I like to know that he’s okay, even when I know he isn’t. It’s always good to hear his voice, though what he says is sometimes distressing. But he’s an intelligent, resourceful young man and his activities are so interesting that I am always eager to listen. In some ways he reminds me of my own youth, though I am sure I was never so boastful of the least success.

When I was his age, give and take a few years, my life was one long adventure. I lived in what might reasonably be described as a self-contained war zone – suburban London in the late Sixties and early Seventies may have been quiet and sedate for some, but not for me – and came close to death on many occasions. The first time was in 1969, when I was fifteen years old. It was just before nine in the evening and I was walking home from a friend’s house, crossing a main road that nowadays would be busy. Then, of course, there were fewer vehicles on the road and not a lot to do after the shops shut and work ended for the day, so apart from a bus and a couple of old boys on bicycles the road was more or less empty. Then a car pulled out of a side street and accelerated, heading straight for me. Luckily, the sound of the engine revving startled me, and I managed to dive to one side. I caught a glimpse of the driver’s face as he passed – it seemed vaguely familiar but I didn’t know him – then rose to my feet and shakily cursed him. Over the years, that face came to haunt me, though it would be a very long time before I could put a name to it.

For all his faults, all his obsessions and the single-mindedness that has caused us both so much heartache and soul-searching, I love my grandson very much. I can’t say the same for his late father, though. My son was a deeply unpleasant man, brutal and violent. He beat and bullied his wife into alcoholism and an early grave. He served time in prison for crimes I don’t care to think about. Thanks to him my grandson has severe psychological and emotional problems, not to mention a good number of scars and a few once-broken bones. My son died five years ago in what the police said was a mugging that went wrong – a knife in the belly on a deserted street in the early hours of a cold Sunday morning. I’m pretty sure nobody was sorry to see the back of him. Not me, and that’s a fact.

My son’s demise reminded me of the seventh attempt on my life – an unexpected assailant as I was taking a shortcut home one night in 1971, the sudden blade glancing off the tobacco tin in my inside jacket pocket, becoming tangled in the cloth and falling to the ground as I ran away. The would-be assassin, as usual, made no attempt to conceal his face. As ever, there was that bewildering sense of almost-recognition that refused to bring a name to mind. The coincidence was uncanny, though an eyewitness said my son’s killer was masked.

My grandson has unrealistic ambitions, a life plan that is destined to fail. We have no secrets – well, I have one that he will never be told – and we talk openly and honestly about his legacy of fear and pain, his constant depression and despair. He says if his plan doesn’t succeed, he will take his own life. I hate to hear him talk that way. I tell him, with absolute certainty, that it won’t come to that. But he sneers at my confidence. He has his own. It isn’t his fault he doesn’t know he’s wrong.

Just thinking about him breaks my heart.

The murder attempts went on for eleven years, one or two a month, right up until I got married, when I was twenty-six. I never told anyone about them. Some gut instinct told me it would be inadvisable. Besides, who would believe me? I was a nobody, an ordinary young man living a dull, average life. I didn’t do drugs, I wasn’t involved in crime. I hadn’t wronged anyone, not as far as I knew. Who would want to kill me? But the attempts continued. The sniper on a tall building, the brick dropped from a high window, the cars from nowhere, the knives and blunt instruments in the dark, the gas leaks, the hand forcing beneath the bathwater. Petrol through the letterbox, sliced brake cables, the shove in the back on a train platform. The cyanide in the coffee, detected just in time. And always that face, the face that loomed in my dreams and nagged at my memory until…

What happened that night is burned into every axon and dendrite in my brain. Yet somehow I didn’t see it, not until it was too late.

Who am I kidding? It was always going to be too late.

My grandson doesn’t know that I know. Not that he’d ever stop talking about himself long enough to register anything I have to say. It’s all about him, all the time. His terrible life, his endless angst, what he suffered at his father’s hands, an eternal ebb and flow of suffering and blame. I’ll kill myself, he wails, though we both know he’s too much of a coward to take his own life. It’s easier and more self-affirming to blame, blame, blame. Really, my existence is only acknowledged when he’s blaming me for the way his father turned out. I know differently, of course. I remember the love and care my wife and I showered upon our only child, the opportunities we gave him, the time we took and the money we spent. It wasn’t our fault nature gave us a selfish, vicious narcissist – that our blessing turned out to be a curse. My grandson doesn’t see it that way, though. I am to blame, the cause of all his misery. I wish I’d never been born, he says with monotonous regularity. I am so glad his grandmother is no longer around to witness his descent into self-loathing and nihilism.

Yes, my grandson is a clever and inventive man, quite brilliant actually, and I love him dearly. But I can’t say I like him all that much. He shuts himself away in his cellar, surrounding by electronic components and arcane tools, building machines he claims will change the world, transform people’s lives. Well, he’s right about that. One of them will certainly change his life.

I didn’t realise until that proud day – for me if not his father – when my grandson went away to university. I took a photograph, him standing in the garden flanked by my wife and son, all smiling for my camera – not that my son’s smile reached his dead, cold eyes – and in that moment, gazing into the viewfinder, I knew. Recognition was belated but total.

Blame, blame, blame. My fault, mine alone.

That night, that terrible night. Strolling home after seeing her to her door, a chivalry that was nearly suicidal. He lunged at me from the darkness of a garden, flowing from shrubbery like an eel after prey, the knife glinting yellow in sodium light. Black hooded top, grey jogging bottoms, unusual clothing in those days. That face, twisted in hatred. We struggled, fell to the pavement. The knife turned and was buried to the hilt in his chest, driven home by his own misguided hand. I stood and stared down at that face, horror diluted by relief. My tormentor was no more. I ran from the scene, sweating for days until it became clear that the police would not be following a trail to my door. It was over.

That face. So like my own when I was his age.

My grandson phoned again just now. For once I interrupted the usual litany of woe. What are you wearing? I ask. I can almost hear his impatient shrug. Grey joggers, black hoodie. Why? No matter, I say. Then I feel compelled to tell him this one thing, one last time. I love you, you know.

He hangs up straight away. It isn’t what he wants to hear. I could try to warn him, but he’s habitually deaf to my advice. And what would it achieve? What happened is what has always happened, what will always happen. Really, his life was over long before he was born. I know because I was there.

For a few seconds, I feel guilty and desperately sad. Then I think of all the times he tried to kill me, and sympathy evaporates. The little shit deserves what’s coming to him.

Alby Stone: Wigwam Ban Man

Copyright © 2018 Alby Stone

Like most people, I hadn’t really noticed how far the aberration had gone. Too busy worrying about the important things in life – the kids’ education, our health, my job, making a decent home for my family, the turbulent and usually depressing fortunes of Charlton Athletic – I’d been more or less deaf to the clamour and hadn’t seen how radically it had changed perceptions and affected our institutions. At least, not until the day of my son’s seventh birthday. The day had begun brightly in every sense – waking up to glorious sunshine, the profound joy of seeing the excitement on his face, watching as he wolfed down his breakfast before opening his presents. In the afternoon, the party. A dozen or so of his friends eating cake and trifle, then playing raucously in the garden. My wife and I were enjoying it as much as the kids, sneaking the occasional gin and tonic and chatting with other parents, lazily chewing the fat while the little boys and girls entertained themselves.

Then came the knock at the door. I opened it to a man in a brown suit and a woman wearing a drab, smock-like dress that appeared to be cut from the same bolt of cloth as her companion’s attire. He was short and skinny, she was even smaller, and I towered over them. They brandished identity cards with photographs in the favoured passport style – unadorned faces staring straight ahead, emotionless and mildly disturbing. I squinted but without my spectacles the accompanying script was too small to read, and in any case they were returned to their pockets of origin before I would have had a chance to read them even if I could have. The woman spoke. ‘Mr Campbell? Tyrone Campbell?’

That was my name, as it had been my grandfather’s. I answered in the affirmative and waited for them to state their business. Like so many people with my background, and despite my respectable occupation and impeccable citizenship credentials, I was wary of white people with official ID cards. The Windrush scandal was many years in the past, and though I had been unaffected in one sense, in another I was as involved as any other descendant of those who had arrived on ships to answer Britain’s call. The Home Office ‘hostile environment’ policy and changes to immigration law had been designed to foster fear and uncertainty, to make immigrants and their children ill at ease – for which read ‘not wanted here’ – and that job had been done all too well. Irrespective of documentation, reputation or occupation, none of us was unscathed, especially we who had been children at the time. The worries of adults are easily transmitted to their children. And anxiety is both contagious and transformative. Fear of the knock on the door was now hard-wired.

They exchanged glances, the kind of look government officials wear when they are about to deliver bad news of the hugely gratifying kind. I should know. I’d worn it myself often enough when interviewing tax evaders and their less savoury kin, the avoiders. ‘May we come in?’

‘Not until you tell me who you are and what you want,’ I said, smiling politely.

The man shook his head. ‘Very well, if that’s how you want to play it. My name is Ronald Buckland, and this is my colleague, Julie Pullen, Ms Pullen. We are from the Office of Cultural Identity, Enforcement Division.’

‘Never heard of it,’ I told them. ‘Which Department?’

‘Culture, Media and Sport,’ said the woman. ‘Though technically we are a cross-departmental team, so we are also subject to oversight by the Home Office and Foreign and Commonwealth Office. Among others. Until last year we were part of the Department for Rejoining the European Union, now defunct.’ she sighed. ‘Well, let’s be honest – after Davies and Fox they were never going to have us back.’

‘Well, I work for HMRC, and I’ve never heard of you. What do you do?’

‘We investigate complaints, Mr Campbell.’ The woman’s smile was wholly insincere. ‘And a complaint has been made against you. That is why we are here.’

‘A complaint? About what?’

‘A matter of cultural inappropriateness. In your garden, as we speak.’

I was mystified. ‘What, a child’s birthday party?’

They exchanged glances once more. ‘I think we’d better come in,’ said the man.

‘And if I refuse to let you in?’

‘We have power of entry,’ the woman told me. ‘You’ll leave us no choice but to summon police assistance. If necessary, they will break down your door. And you will be arrested and charged with obstruction.’

And the nightmare began.

Really, I should have known. I’m a well-educated and not unintelligent man. I work for the government, and even with all those other important things to distract me, I ought to have taken note. All those training courses and awareness events – yes, I should have known. But I’d treated it all as a joke. We all had. Surely nothing that stupid could ever become law? Yet clearly it had. The scene unfolding in my back garden proved it.

The woman spoke, the man made notes on the kind of pad I recognised from work, cheap stationery supplied by the inadequate contractor du jour. My wife and our friends looked on from the kitchen window, the children continued to play, though they were less confident and lively than before. They all knew something was wrong. I still didn’t have a clue what it might be.

Eventually, the man and woman came over to where I stood. ‘It’s got to go, I’m afraid.’ Pullen handed me a form. ‘This is a compliance order. You have one hour to remove and dispose of the item, in a respectful manner as prescribed by law. Failure to do so within the specified time will result in prosecution.’ She emphasised the point by forcefully extending a digit in the direction of the offending item, which occupied pride of place in the centre of the lawn.

I stared uncomprehendingly at the form, then my eyes followed her finger. ‘The wigwam? This is about a bloody wigwam?’

Pullen frowned. ‘There’s no need for that kind of language,’ she said. ‘We’re only doing our jobs.’

Buckland made a note, cleared his throat and spoke. ‘As it says on the form, this is an order made in accordance with the Cultural Identity Enforcement Act 2057, section 3, paragraph 2(c)(7). Items and imagery reserved for Native American use only.’ He looked around, leaned toward me. Artificially confidential, conspiratorial. ‘A word to the wise, Mr Campbell. That framed bullfight poster in your hall. Souvenir from Spain, right? Well, you really ought to get rid of it. Paragraph (2)(c)(17), items and imagery reserved for European nations. And that woman in your kitchen, the one wearing the sari? She doesn’t look Indian.’

‘Hindu convert,’ I explained. ‘Married to an Indian man. That’s their daughter.’ I pointed to a small brown-skinned girl with trifle on her grinning face.

‘That’s acceptable,’ the man allowed. ‘And that woman wearing a cross…?’

‘She’s the vicar. That’s her son over there, the one in the Batman suit.’

‘Religious items appropriate to faith, good. Superhero costumes are acceptable, as long as they fall within guidelines.’

‘Guidelines? For kids’ superhero outfits?’

He seemed surprised. ‘Of course. It wouldn’t do to have white or Asian children dressed as Black Panther, would it? Black Lightning and Luke Cage? They are classed as reserved characters. Surely a man of your ethnicity would appreciate that.’

Frankly, I didn’t give a toss which kids wore what superhero get-ups, but sneakily justifying this bullshit by invoking my race was well out of order. ‘Don’t pretend this is about me. My family’s been in this country for a century, and I’m as British as you, despite the colour of my skin. Frankly, I’m disappointed that you’d even mention it.’

‘I’m sorry – I merely thought you would have a greater appreciation of the importance of cultural identity.’

‘Rubbish. You were playing the race card. And I never thought I’d be saying that to a white man. Look, isn’t this cultural appropriation nonsense going just a little too far?’

Buckland made a face. ‘Between you and me, some of it is a little silly. Presumably you’ve been following the Pasta Trial in the High Court.’

‘Pasta Trial? What’s that?’

‘Exceptions to the Enforcement Act can be made upon contractual payment of royalties to a bona fide representative of a source culture. The Italian government has requested compensatory payment for pasta, pizza and other foods traditionally associated with the Italian peninsula. The big supermarkets and restaurant chains have formed an alliance to fight the move, but they won’t win, as the legislation is watertight. However, there has been a complication. China is claiming a share of any royalties for spaghetti, as noodles were invented by the Chinese. Marco Polo, you know. Unfortunately Taiwan is also claiming those royalties, so it’s getting a little nasty. And Mexico is claiming a share of royalties on tomato-based sauces and similar products. The Italians are spitting feathers. Sourced locally from Leghorns, one presumes.’

‘That sounds pretty complicated. It seems to me that this legislation is a rod for our own backs.’

‘It gets worse, believe me. The Mexicans are also claiming royalties on avocados, chilli, maize, potatoes and tobacco. But so are various Native American tribes. India is demanding payment for curries and other foodstuffs deriving from the subcontinent, including tea, as are Pakistan, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka. China, inevitably, is demanding money for dishes originating or copied from there. But that isn’t the worst of it. Behind the scenes, China is also claiming exclusive use of paper money, printed matter, and fireworks – that or a huge compensatory payment, and we’re talking billions. Meanwhile, Jamaica wants a one-off two billion pounds for reggae. This is strictly entre nous, naturally.’ He smiled. ‘French grandmother, so I can say that.’

‘I’m not surprised the government’s keeping quiet about that. This will drive up prices to an unaffordable level. It could bankrupt the country. People could starve.’

‘I agree. It’s political correctness gone not so much mad as totally insane and drooling in a straitjacket. Quite honestly, I don’t think it would ever have gone that far here in the UK – but you know the trouble we had securing international trade deals after Brexit. Every agreement came with multiple strings attached, and as we’ve become more dependent on – ah – sensitive countries, the strong-arm tactics have worsened. But we’re hitting back. The Foreign Secretary is in talks to offset these financial impositions. After all, no matter what the Chinese say, we gave the world cricket, rugby, football and golf. There’s a good chance of some success with the quid pro quo approach, however. Japan has agreed to keep origami, karate and judo off the table as long as we do the same with whisky and pinstripe suits.’

‘That sounds hopeful.’

 ‘Well, we’re also stuck with karaoke. And greater problems are looming, unfortunately. Everyone is claiming to have invented beer, trousers and agriculture. In fact, the Chinese are claiming to have invented everything, and the Hindu nationalists in India aren’t far behind. Then there’s religion. The Israelis are demanding payment for Christianity, and word is that they’re putting the squeeze on Islamic countries, claiming that the Prophet got the idea of monotheism from Jews, which for all I know may be true, even if the Iranians are saying Zoroaster started it all and Egypt reckons Akhenaten invented it. And various Arab states are claiming payment for algebra and chemistry – and coffee, which is bad news for much of South and Central America. Whole countries are having to find alternative names for the stars and planets, and atlases around the world are being revised and reprinted. It’s a mess, no question.’

I was pondering this when I noticed his colleague was no longer present. ‘Oh,’ Buckland said airily, ‘she’s probably just having a look round your house.’

‘Can she do that?’

‘Power of entry gives power of inspection. Don’t worry. It’s just routine. I’m sure you have nothing more to hide.’

‘I wasn’t hiding the wigwam or the bullfight poster,’ I pointed out. ‘I wasn’t even aware they were illegal.’

‘Oh, they’re not illegal as such. Merely reserved. If you were Native American then you’d have a perfect right to owning and displaying the wigwam.’

A thought struck me. ‘Where does this leave the museums?’

‘Potentially rather empty. For instance, the British Museum has already agreed to return the Elgin Marbles, and many lesser items will be going back to their place of origin. Arrangements have been made to secure some exhibits on a permanent loan basis, but for exorbitant fees that may make the place financially unviable. That was in the news only last week, as it happens. Big demonstrations, Farage and Johnson doddering down the Strand with a bunch of equally decrepit UKIP, Tory and BNP veterans. Mind you, I’d thought Farage died years ago. Must be in his nineties now. Surprised he could still walk, let alone keep hold of his pint and fag at the same time. He made a speech about how it was vital for us to leave the EU and made snide remarks about Belgians no one could remember. Johnson’s now so obese he can barely move. He was wearing one of those new lightweight solar-powered exoskeletons. He fell out of it in Trafalgar Square. Into a fountain, of course.’

‘Did he drown?’

‘Sadly, no.’

At that moment Ms Pullen came storming out through the back door, waving a book. ‘You failed to declare this, Mr Campbell,’ she cried.

I peered at the book. ‘Oh, come on. Even books?’

‘Not just any book. I can overlook the Cervantes, Dumas, Tolstoy and others, in accordance with Schedule II of the Act, Permitted Exemptions (Literary)(2)(a), Translations Promoting Positive Images of Nation or Culture – but not this, as it is an instruction manual specific to a particular culture and promotes activities included in section 4, paragraph 2(7) of the Act – intellectual property with practical applications, in this case practices reserved for use by Indian nationals or their direct lineal descendants.’

I laughed incredulously. ‘The Kama Sutra? You mean to tell me this nonsense even covers our sex lives?’

‘This is no laughing matter, Mr Campbell. That section of the Act can have very serious consequences. Tell me, were you utilising any of the – er – techniques described in this book when your son was conceived?’

‘Well, it’s none of you damned business, but he’s seven. We only got the book two years ago, to spice things up a bit. I’m pretty sure it’s the 2056 edition. Do the sums.’

She looked at the edition date and relaxed. ‘I’m pleased to hear it, though we will require a written deposition signed by both you and your wife, along with an undertaking that you will discontinue any – um – techniques you may have previously employed or are still using.’

‘Oh, for… Hang on a minute. What serious consequences did you mean?’

She reddened. ‘If your son had been conceived while using a… technique from this book, he would have been confiscated. And he would have become the property of the Indian government, unless they were prepared to waive their claim. On payment of a small fee, as provided for in the legislation and separate reciprocal arrangements, for use of their cultural property as a service.’

‘What do you call a small fee?’

‘Fifty thousand pounds. A small price to pay for a child.’

‘Not if you haven’t got fifty grand kicking about. What happens to the kids if their parents can’t afford to pay?’

‘As far as I am aware, that has yet to happen. But they would be re-educated as Indian nationals, taught to speak Hindi, and given a place to live and employment appropriate to their caste.’

‘But my son doesn’t have a caste. And I thought the caste system had been outlawed in the twentieth century?’

‘You really should keep up to date, Mr Campbell. It was reinstated five years ago in line with India’s current cultural policies. It’s all those claims they’re making for the historical veracity of the Mahabharata. They say if the caste system was good enough for the people who invented aeroplanes, the internet, atomic warfare and beer, then it should serve them as well today.’

‘Christ, this just gets better and better. Why hasn’t all this been publicised?’

‘It’s been on the news, and has been debated in Parliament.’

‘But nobody watches the news if there’s something better on and nobody pays attention to Parliament unless the party leaders are insulting each other or someone’s apologising for a sex scandal.’

‘It’s a moot point anyway,’ Buckland put in. ‘And I mean that literally. France has objected to our use of the word “Parliament”, so it’s going to be renamed. “Folkmoot” has a bit of a ring to it, don’t you think?’

‘It sounds like something out of Tolkien. Horrible.’

‘Get used to it,’ said Buckland. ‘Do you know just how much of out legal and political terminology is French? It’s all got to be translated into Old English, to make it sound a bit grander than modern English words. Luckily, the Italians are fine with the Latin, as we used to be part of the Roman Empire. It makes them feel that they’re still relevant.’

‘This is insanity,’ I groaned.

‘It’s necessary,’ said Pullen. ‘People’s culture is part of their identity and should be inviolate. Take your own culture, for example.’

‘My own culture? Me and Buckland have been through this. I’m British.’

‘No, you’re legally a Briton of Afro-Caribbean Heritage. That means you have a distinct identity which is protected in law. Just think – you won’t have to put up with seeing white youths with dreadlocks or playing reggae – that will be banned under the forthcoming deal with Jamaica – or speaking in fake Jamaican accents, not unless they want three months in prison.’

‘But I don’t have dreadlocks, and I don’t even like reggae. I’m a bald jazz fan. As for kids speaking Jafaikan, I really couldn’t give a damn.’

‘Jazz is a tricky one,’ said Buckland. ‘It’s like beer. Everyone’s claiming it – West African nations, Jews, the Irish and Scots… And the Chinese, of course. In fact, there are quite a few troublesome grey areas in this field. You remember all that fuss about the cheomsang back in 2018?’

‘I was just a toddler in 2018. Remind me.’

‘A white American girl posted a picture of herself online. She was wearing a prom dress based on the traditional qipao or cheomsang associated with Chinese women. A man self-identifying as Chinese took exception to what he called “cultural appropriation”, and he sparked an internet campaign. The poor girl was vilified in social media. Then, just as all the fuss was dying down, someone pointed out that the cheomsang had actually been imposed on Chinese women by the Manchurians when they took control of China. So this traditional Chinese garment wasn’t Chinese at all, except by enforced adoption. Naturally, the Chinese soon claimed to have invented Manchuria. It stopped the rioting in Beijing and Shanghai.’

‘But doesn’t all this prove that the idea of cultural appropriation is complete and utter rubbish? Ideas, artistic styles, styles of clothing, technological developments – these are not things that respect national or ethnic boundaries. I can’t think of any culture that’s grown up in isolation and never taken anything from another. Cultural exchange is necessary. Without it we’d still be hunting bloody mammoths and wearing their skins.’

‘I think everyone recognises that,’ said Pullen, with a nod to Buckland, who made a note of my mild profanity. ‘This is only partly about giving credit where it’s due. The main thrust is identity – retaining ownership and control of particular aspects of a culture that make it unique and so confer uniqueness on its people, while at the same time preventing other cultures from making use of those aspects to reinforce lazy cultural stereotypes.’

‘Like dreadlocks and reggae?’

Pullen bridled. ‘There’s no need to be sarcastic, Mr Campbell.’

‘Yeah, well. All I see is a whole lot of people wanting to be unique because they think their culture makes them better than all others. And a whole lot more wanting to make money out of it.’

Buckland grinned and nudged Pullen. ‘Wait for it…’

‘I mean,’ I went on, warming to the subject, ‘isn’t that what the Nazis were all about? Reclaiming ideas and images from their so-called Aryan past and shouting about how it made them superior? Hitler would have loved all this rubbish.’

‘Bingo,’ said Buckland. ‘That’s a fiver you owe me. No banknotes, just in case.’

Reductio ad Hitlerum,’ sighed Pullen, handing Buckland five pound coins. ‘Better known as Godwin’s law. If a discussion goes on long enough, sooner or later somebody will compare someone else to Hitler or the Nazis.’

‘Well, much as I hate to point out the blindingly obvious, what you’re doing is exactly the kind of thing the Gestapo used to do. Anyway, how the hell did you know about the wigwam? It only arrived this morning and it wasn’t put up until a couple of hours ago.’

‘A tip-off from a concerned citizen, Mr Campbell,’ Pullen smirked. ‘And I’d thank you to refer to it as a tipi, as Native American custom requires. It is a portable habitation of poles and cloth associated with indigenous peoples of the North American plains and prairies. The wigwam, wickiup or wetu is actually a dome-shaped structure built from whatever materials come to hand, and is typical of tribes associated with forested regions. This is clearly a tipi. Schedule 3 of the Act – concerning the protection of cultures through strict use of correct terminology – provides that the proper words must be used for all items, ideas and persons.’

My temperature was rising. ‘It was that miserable old git from number twenty-eight, wasn’t it? He’s had it in for me ever since the kids put a football through his window. I offered to pay but he still insisted on taking me to court over it. Bloody lawyers.’

Pullen again muttered something about offensive language. Buckland made a note of it, then looked up at the sky. ‘Spitting with rain,’ he observed. ‘The forecast said it would be turning wet, cold and windy. Good job you’re taking the tipi down anyway.’

‘Wigwam,’ I growled and turned to go indoors.

‘Where are you going?’ Pullen asked, as the raindrops grew fatter and more frequent.

‘I’m going in to get my parka. It’s going to be chucking it down in a minute.’

They looked at each other. Pullen smiled blissfully. Buckland at least had the good grace to look embarrassed. ‘Parkas are an Inuit creation,’ said Pullen. ‘Well, actually they and anoraks are claimed by several peoples. The Inuit, the Kallalit in Greenland, the Nenets of Siberia…’

‘And the Yupik,’ added Buckland. ‘The Yupik are often classed as Inuit but they are linguistically and culturally distinct. The word Inuit doesn’t even occur in their languages, and they don’t like being called it. Anyway, the disagreement over origins means that in this case it will probably be impossible to allocate royalties and the clothing may simply be subject to a banning order. Oh, and I hope you don’t have any willow pattern crockery. The Chinese, you know.’

I mentally took a quick inventory. Shoes and socks, trousers and jeans, boxer shorts, shirts, coats and scarves. Most of my wardrobe was good, plain generic clothing with equally good, plain English names. My wife’s, though – lingerie, negligees and brassieres; espadrilles, culottes and camisoles; kimonos, pashminas and stilettos… She would need a lengthy shopping trip and a downwardly-revised fashion sense if she was to avoid either public nudity or penury by pay-off. And all because sundry collections of rabid nationalists wanted to feel superior to all the others.

‘What about learning languages?’

‘Approved and licensed individuals only.’

‘Foreign travel?’ It had been a fair while since I’d travelled abroad.

‘No problem there, Mr Campbell. Though you must now be proficient in that nation’s main language, to at least a conversational level.’

‘And to do that I’d need a license and approval. How much?’

‘An internationally-agreed standard rate of one hundred US dollars for the license, and five hundred to pay for the approval process. Oh, and the fixed ten per cent tariff for handling foreign currency.’

‘So it’s all a racket,’ I scoffed. ‘This whole thing is a trade-off between nationalist lunatics and money-grabbing con artists. It’s always the same. Cui bono?’

‘Latin,’ said Buckland approvingly. ‘I think you’re getting the hang of it. Should save you a few quid in the long term.’

‘Ah yes,’ said Pullen. ‘That reminds me. There is a five hundred pound charge for our services, payable immediately. Inability or refusal to pay will result in a fine of one thousand pounds and three months imprisonment. Card payments only.’ She looked at her wristwatch. ‘I must also point out that you now have just under ten minutes left in which to dismantle and dispose of the tipi. Otherwise…’ A shrug. ‘But you can pay when you’ve done that. Mr Buckland will give you a receipt.’

I almost panicked, wondering how the hell I was going to dispose of the wigwam – okay, the tipi – in such a short time. Those wooden poles were long and would never fit in the dustbin. I eyed Buckland and Pullen nervously. Then I became angry, the rage building up to a point at which I could no longer control myself. How dare these unthinking bureaucrats come to my home, disrupt my son’s birthday party and start laying down what I was sure would turn out to be a wholly unworkable law? How dare they threaten an honest working man, a man who had never before committed a crime of any kind, who didn’t have so much as a parking ticket to his name? The bastards were going to pay.

Almost rigid with fury, I called to the kids, telling them to go indoors. But it wasn’t because of my anger, or even the rain. I grinned at Buckland and Pullen, watching me from the shelter of an umbrella, as first I removed the cloth from the tipi, then set about rearranging the poles, setting two of them sharp end upward in the existing holes. I only needed the two. At that moment I didn’t care that Vlad the Impaler was Romanian. Bucharest could sue me for payment when it was all over. So could Beijing.

Alby Stone: The Discovery

Copyright © 2017 Alby Stone

‘Of course, you understand the need for secrecy.’ Ted MacBride stared at the document once again, wishing the conference table would open up and swallow it – that he would wake up from this bad dream and find it was a Sunday and he could look forward to a nice, relaxing round of golf. ‘There’s no way the public can know this. The first major lunar mission for more than sixty years, a symbol of restored international harmony after the horrors of twenty years ago, and it’s a total fuck-up. Billions of dollars and this is what we get? The American people will go crazy.’

‘We are all in the same boat,’ said Fangzhou. ‘The People’s Republic of China has also invested heavily in this project.’ He swept a hand through the air, describing a circle that took in everyone present. ‘As have the governments of Japan, India, South Korea, Australia, the European Union and Russia. None of us want this. No one could have predicted what was found. But we must try to be positive.’

‘Agreed,’ said Kawasaki, the Japanese representative. He nodded toward Malinov, his Russian counterpart. ‘I believe Nikolai has a suggestion that may be helpful.’

The craggy Russian stood, groaning under his breath and yearning for a glass or two of vodka. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the International Lunar Survey Expedition has, from most of our points of view, been a disaster. The expected minerals and metallic ores do not exist. So from that perspective, our nations’ investments have been wasted. But all is not lost.’

‘Not lost? Are you fucking joking?’ Amy Holloway, the Australian, shook her head incredulously. ‘As Ted said, billions of US dollars and roughly the same from every government represented here. It’s a fucking catastrophe.’

‘Perhaps not,’ said Malinov. ‘ Let us review the findings. The Survey Team excavated at six points on the moon’s surface – north and south poles and four equidistant points on the lunar equator, as planned. They followed this with sixteen further excavations at sites roughly equidistant from the first set of tests. After consultation with Mission Control in Almaty, Houston and Beijing, another ten excavations were undertaken at sites selected at random. The results were consistent and conclusive. All previous lunar surveys, from earth or space, have been mistaken. The new survey conclusively shows the surface of the moon was originally an even layer of regolith, loose dust and rock about three metres deep, covering a non-lithic core. The visible features we see now – craters, so-called mountains, ridges and so on – are the result of displacement of that surface layer caused by meteor impacts over thousands of years. What we found beneath the regolith was wholly unexpected – something that has never shown up in any scientific study, though somehow it does seem to have been enshrined in terrestrial folklore.’

‘But how is that possible?’ Sondrine Menard, the EU representative, was practically tearing her immaculately coiffed brown hair out by the roots. ‘We have used radar, infrared and laser scanning, mass spectroscopy, all the tools of modern technology. And they all show the moon to be a solid mass of rock. They cannot have been fooled. It is impossible.’

‘Evidently, it is possible,’ said the Indian representative, who insisted upon being called Mrs Patel. ‘Instruments may lie but excavation does not. What we need to worry about is not that it happened – or what was being concealed – but how and why.’

‘We don’t know why, but we do know how it has gone undetected for so long,’ said Malinov. ‘The team drilled furher beneath the surface and found evidence of a transmitter, a device possibly thousands of years more advanced than anything we have. Somehow, it intercepts any beams or waves attempting to scan the moon and sends a fake return signal. It’s an automated defence mechanism, presumably placed there by an advanced non-human civilisation.’

‘What?’ Kawasaki was stunned. ‘Aliens? Why am I hearing this only now?’

Malinov and MacBride exchanged uneasy glances with Fangzhou. ‘The Presidents of Russia, China and the United States thought best to keep it under wraps. Temporarily.’

‘Permanently, you mean,’ said Holloway, folding her arms and wrinkling her nose in disgust. ‘You are only telling us now because you need our help in putting a positive spin on this fucking fiasco. What else have you bastards strong-armed the survey team into keeping it from us? Is that why they are still being held incommunicado in Houston?’

‘They’ve been able to talk to their families,’ said MacBride.

‘But they haven’t been allowed to discuss the mission,’ said Mrs Patel. ‘And there’s always a security officer present.’

‘Look, we don’t want mass panic,’ said MacBride. ‘You know what would happen if people found out aliens had visited thousands, maybe millions of years ago. Rioting, looting, lawlessness. All the world’s religions would be in serious trouble. Everyone would assume all that Roswell and Area 51 bullshit was true and they’d no longer trust our governments. We can’t admit the problem until we have a solution.’

‘A solution to what, exactly?’ asked Menard.

‘We need a way to exploit what the survey found,’ said Malinov. ‘If handled properly, this discovery could change the world for the better. We’ve all seen the same data, but I don’t think we’re not all reading it the same way. There’s a fantastic opportunity here. Just think about it. We could eliminate global suffering virtually overnight. We are open to ideas.’ 

‘Bring in the English,’ said Holloway.

Silence fell. Eye contact was avoided. The only sounds were those of shuffled papers and shifting bottoms. ‘Impossible,’ said Menard eventually. ‘Since it left the European Union, England has been…’ She searched for the right words.

‘Unstable, unpleasant and ungovernable,’ Holloway said. ‘Human rights abuses, crime rate through the roof, widespread racism and homophobia, administrative corruption, no investment, unemployment on a previously unimaginable scale, a dying economy. The whole country’s been sucked dry and asset-stripped by the very people who bankrolled the campaign to leave the EU. The English haven’t got a pot to piss in. And while they were cutting off their nose to spite their face, they also left the European Space Agency. No money and no involvement. But from what I’ve read today, they’ve got the know-how we need.’

Menard bristled. ‘The ESA also has the “know-how”, as you put it. In France we have experts who could resolve this.’

‘From what I’ve read today,’ Holloway repeated slowly, ‘only the English can provide the specialised expertise we need.’

‘They won’t go for it,’ said Mrs Patel. ‘It would wipe out their economy.’

‘Their economy is already wiped out,’ said Kawasaki. ‘Since the European finance centre switched to Frankfurt and international investors pulled out, even their service industries have collapsed. With Northern Ireland joining the Republic, and Scotland gaining independence and de facto control of North Sea oil, they have nothing the rest of the world wants, except cheap sex for sleazy tourists and the chance of a selfie at Stonehenge or outside Buckingham Palace. All the rich people have left for good except the Royal Family and the politicians, and they spend most of their time out of the country anyway. We know from the last UNICEF report that the only children not living in abject poverty are the ones selling themselves in the sex trade. Malnutrition is rife, and so are diseases associated with it. I never thought I’d say this, but in the year 2037 England is as bad as North Korea was before the revolution thirteen years ago. They may be impoverished international pariahs but we need them. If necessary we can fund the follow-up mission between us. Look upon it as an investment.’

‘I still don’t understand, said Park, the South Korean. ‘How can the English help?’

‘They can help,’ said Holloway, ‘because there is one man in the United Kingdom of England and Wales with an intimate knowledge of what was found beneath the lunar surface. One man who knows how to exploit it. One man who can save his people, and solve the world’s most pressing problem. And help us keep our jobs, of course.’

MacBride shrugged. ‘Okay, as long as our governments agree.’

‘We have no choice,’ said Holloway.

‘I agree,’ said Mrs Patel. ‘And if the governments of the United States, China and Russia are unwilling to do so, then the Indian government will make sure the world knows what is going on. As, I believe, will the governments of Japan, South Korea and Australia. Madame Menard?’

The Frenchwoman gave a traditional Gallic shrug. ‘I still think this is a matter best handled by the European Union, and specifically France, but I will abide by the majority decision. Reluctantly.’

‘Okay,’ said MacBride with a relieved sigh. ‘Let’s do it.’


The unusually large landing module touched down. After a while, the airlock door opened and a spacesuited man emerged clutching a spade, which he used to gauge the consistency of the regolith. The man gazed excitedly at the grey moonscape. Then he turned to the landing module and gave a thumbs-up. A few minutes later, a platform descended from the belly of the craft and when that met the ground a diminutive figure drove a small caterpillar-tracked vehicle from it to where the man stood. The smaller figure operated the digging mechanism, rolling his eyes occasionally as the standing man inexpertly supervised the excavation. After a while, the man held up a hand and the digger was moved back. He carefully studied the substance they had exposed, and nodded thoughtfully.

The man took a spoon from a pouch on his suit and gouged out a small sample, which he placed in a complicated airlock on his helmet’s faceplate. A tiny conveyor belt extended inward from the airlock and delivered the sample to his waiting mouth. He bit and chewed thoughtfully, then smiled delightedly and turned to his companion.

‘They were right – it is Wensleydale! Nicely matured, too. Now let’s get the ship loaded. Job well done, lad.’

Alby Stone: The Day the Earth Still Stood

Copyright © 2018 Alby Stone

Interior – the Oval Office of the White House. POTUS has his feet on desk and is ‘reading’ the latest issue of Playboy. An aide enters.

AIDE [urgently]: ‘Mr President, the aliens are invading!’

PRESIDENT[reluctantly removing his feet from the desk and his gaze from the centrefold]: ‘Whoa there! Whoa, I say! We talking about wetbacks, boy?’

AIDE: ‘Not the Mexicans this time, sir. These are real aliens, from outer space.’

PRESIDENT [slams fist on desk]: ‘Hot damn. Have the little green bastards landed in this once-again Great Nation yet?’

AIDE: ‘Not yet but they’re on their way. Shall I tell the hospitals to be prepared for mass casualties?’

PRESIDENT: ‘Only for the ones that got insurance, boy. Hey, are you sure about this? What does NASA say?’

AIDE: ‘Er – there’s nobody left at NASA, sir. They couldn’t afford hardware and staff after you cut their funding. I did call them but the janitor was on his break.’

PRESIDENT: ‘Fire the disrespectful asshole. He had it coming. So how come we know about this alien invasion?’

AIDE: ‘Routine interrogation of a suspected Muslim, sir.’

PRESIDENT: ‘Hey, I thought I’d thrown all those bastards out of this once-again Great Nation?’

AIDE: ‘You did, sir. But you didn’t rescind the executive order quotas for tort…  – I mean, enhanced interrogation of suspected Muslims. And others. The CIA has been rounding up anyone with a beard, just to make up the numbers for those reports you never read. There’s only ZZ Top and Ted Nugent left.’

PRESIDENT: ‘I always said the CIA are our greatest weapon in the war on terror. Those boys are keen, I’ll give them that.’

AIDE: ‘Erring on the side of caution, as you told the British Prime Minister.’

PRESIDENT [sighing]: ‘Was that ever a disappointment. When they told me Mrs May was gonna be paying me a visit, I thought they meant Brook Power. Instead I get an old broad who looked like she’d just won a lemon-sucking contest. And why the fuck was she wearing a Guantanamo Bay jumpsuit? I’ll never understand women. Or the Brits. Anyway, what did this terrorist guy say about the aliens?’

AIDE: ‘It only took a few sessions of waterboarding to make him spill the beans, Mr President. He told us all we need to know. The aliens are gonna land on the White House lawn with a big silver robot. Seems they sent spies here years ago to check us out, a little fat guy with a long neck and a bunch of others up at Devil’s Tower in Wyoming.’

PRESIDENT [slams fist on desk]: ‘Devil’s Tower? Shit, they must be Satanist aliens. That silver robot sounds pretty cool, though. What else did he say?’

AIDE: ‘He told us everything, sir. Sang like Dolly at the Grand Ol’ Opry. Thanks to him we now know there’s going to be a robot rebellion and a plague of zombies, and a big war in some place called Westeros. I think that’s near Switzerland. He also told us where Elvis is hiding out.’

PRESIDENT: ‘You see? I always said torture works. Say, I got an idea. I’m gonna build a wall around our Great Planet. And I’m gonna make the aliens pay for it, one hundred per cent.’

AIDE: ‘Might be a problem there, Mr President. Since you cut funding to all government agencies and deported all the foreign workers, the construction industry has collapsed.’

PRESIDENT: ‘What about good old American know-how?’

AIDE: ‘You fired all the scientists because they disputed your alternative facts about alleged global warming and – well, pretty much everything.’

PRESIDENT [slams fist on desk]: ‘Those assholes had it coming. Damn. If the American people get wind of this there will be mass panic. My popularity rating might even go down. We’d better have a news blackout.’

AIDE: ‘No problem there, sir. Since you closed down most of the lying fake news agencies and pissed off Rightfart there’s only Fuchs left. And right now they’re busy covering the Clinton trial.’

PRESIDENT: ‘Is the Pentagon on standby?’

AIDE: ‘Mr President, the Pentagon is always on standby. But the military is thin on the ground since you cut the defence budget to pay for the total abolition of federal taxes and the alterations to Mount Rushmore.’

PRESIDENT: ‘One gold-plated Dump has got to be better than four outdated chumps. Well, I’m sure the NRA will step up to the plate. What about the nukes?’

AIDE: ‘Still aimed at North Korea, China and Mexico City, as per your instructions. We can’t change that because the new eyes-only target codes were in that last security report.’

PRESIDENT: ‘You mean…?’

AIDE: ‘Yes, sir. The one you wiped your butt with.’

President [slams fist on desk]: ‘Screw those CIA assholes! They shoulda warned me!’

AIDE: ‘They did try, Mr President. You fired the Director because he disagreed with the alternative facts, remember? And the one after him. And the one after…’

PRESIDENT: ‘The assholes had it coming. And only an asshole would believe fake news over alternative facts.’

AIDE: ‘Of course, sir. But the codes were the next item on the agenda.’

PRESIDENT: ‘Agenda? There was an agenda?’

AIDE: ‘You wiped your butt with that too, sir.’

PRESIDENT [slams fist on desk]: ‘Fuck it, I’m gonna fire the nukes anyway. That’ll make those Satanist alien wetbacks sit up and take notice. I’ll show those tentacled liberal fuckers I mean business. Who cares about a few dead commies and a bunch of radioactive Mexicans? The assholes had it coming. Nobody dumps on Dump. And we’ll be just fine in the bunker. Okay, now tell me. When’s the comeback concert?’

AIDE: ‘Sir? Comeback?’

PRESIDENT: ‘Elvis, of course. I want a front table.’

AIDE: ‘I’ll get right on to it. But sir, what about the response?’

PRESIDENT: ‘Response? What response?’

AIDE: ‘Nuclear response from China, sir. If we nuke ‘em, they won’t just let it go.’

PRESIDENT [slams fist on desk]: ‘I don’t give a flying fuck what the Chinese think. The only opinions I value are those of the people of this once-again Great Nation.’

AIDE: ‘Er, that’s because you’ve deported, executed or jailed anyone who doesn’t agree with you. Rightly so, of course.’

PRESIDENT: ‘The assholes had it coming. Damn. There’s only one thing for it. We have to go to Retcon 1.’

AIDE: ‘Um – don’t you mean Defcon 1?’

PRESIDENT: ‘I know what I mean. We need some backdated alternative facts, pronto. And the backdated alternative facts are that the feminazis, commies, liberals, Obama, Hillary Clinton, Muslims and Mexicans are responsible for this alien invasion shit storm and the coming nuclear catastrophe. Call the Pooch. This is his territory.’

AIDE: ‘Uh, you fired the Pooch, sir.’

PRESIDENT: ‘I did? Well, I guess the asshole must have had it coming. Right, get somebody else onto it. See if that guy from The West Wing is available. Meanwhile, I’ll go on Twitter and tell the people of our once-again Great Nation the reason the aliens are coming is the deal Obama made with that Australian motherfucker, and we can work up a story about the aliens being responsible for the Burning Man massacre.’

AIDE [shocked]: ‘There’s been a massacre at Burning Man?’

PRESIDENT: ‘Watch this space, son. The assholes had it coming. Rich people should play golf and make deals, not dick around in the desert like a bunch of fucking hippies. Okay, problem solved. Now what I was I doing?’

AIDE: ‘You were looking at the Playboy centrefold, sir.’

PRESIDENT: ‘Bullshit. I was reading the features. Hey, can you get me a coffee and a cheeseburger? And while you’re out, head down to the National Archives and bring me the Constitution.’

AIDE: ‘The Constitution? The original?’

PRESIDENT: ‘Yeah. I need a crap and I’ve run out of reports.’

Alby Stone: For Goodness Sake

Copyright © 2017 Alby Stone

Fortification was required. He unscrewed the cap and took a large mouthful of vodka, exhaling gratefully as the liquid warmed his tongue and made its leisurely way down his throat, then one last drag on the cigarette before it was flushed away. He closed the lavatory window and exited the cubicle, then placed the bottle in his locker and attempted to camouflage the smoke and vapour lingering on his breath with an extra-strong mint. It would see him through until the morning break, by which time he would be in dire need of a repeat dose. By lunchtime – well, there was a pub just across the road.

He drew a deep breath and left the changing room, making his way through the sparse knots of early risers, eventually arriving at what he was beginning to think of as his Golgotha. Even though it was entirely the wrong season for that sort of spectacle, public torture and execution would surely be a fitting end to what, on the whole, had turned out to be a thoroughly crap life spent struggling to rise above the circumstances of his birth but failing miserably to improve the lousy hand he’d been dealt. He’d tried hard, nobody could deny that – except the Department for Work and Pensions, whose default position appeared to be that he was a lazy, feckless sponger to be treated as a potential criminal and patronised at every opportunity – but he had no influence upon global events or financial trends, no control over the actions or fortunes of others. His efforts led only to decline, a spiral of diminishing returns. At his age, the latest redundancy left him with nowhere to go. Until he found himself here.

The working day began with a cursory inspection of his work station – health and safety regulations bought him a few minutes’ breathing space each day. Then he refreshed his memory with a quick read through the script, really a decision tree of mandatory responses carefully drafted so as to avoid offending children or parents of any NRS, BAME, NS-SEC or LGBTQIA persuasion. It seemed everyone had rights except him. As prepared for the forthcoming ordeal as he would ever be, he took his seat, an uncomfortable plastic chair poorly disguised as an Arctic snowdrift. Alright, so the old dust sheet glazed with a spot of white spray paint wouldn’t fool anyone with functioning eyes and more than three brain cells, but it seemed to keep most of his customers happy, as did the plastic reindeer and the improbably cute cardboard cut-out polar bear. It didn’t really take much.

This wasn’t exactly what he imagined when that sour-faced old bat at the Job Centre asked him if he’d ever pictured himself in uniform. Yeah, he said, who hasn’t? Everyone’s entitled to a fantasy or two. Despite his advancing years, and a nagging suspicion that she was taking the piss, he was thinking Royal Navy, RAF, Grenadier Guards, SAS – even the police or fire brigade, paramedic or security guard at a pinch. But not this. Never this. It was unfair, inhuman. But what could he do? They were poised to stop his benefit, which meant he was waiting at the threshold of yet another last-chance saloon. He’d protested, of course, but it was a stark choice: take the job or be completely skint at the very worst time of year to be without money. So he swallowed his pride and chased it down with the bitter medicine. The pay was rubbish, only a couple of pence above minimum wage, but at least it was only for twenty-four days, excluding a few days off, and it wasn’t physically demanding. He could do it. No problem, apart from the obvious.

Famous last words. At the interview they told him he would be paid a month in arrears, on the last working day of the month. The second piece of bad news was learning that his Universal Credit would stop as soon as he started work, because that too was paid a month in arrears, and technically at the start of the next month he would be earning money. He would, they said, just have to learn to budget, like everyone else. The housing element of his benefit would also stop and he would be liable to pay that, and a month’s worth of council tax, from his distinctly unimpressive pay packet. The only glimmer of hope was that his benefit claim would be restarted when this temporary job ended – though it would take at least six weeks to come through, probably longer. He was caught between a rock and a hard place, and being squeezed mercilessly. The only course of action was to carry on with what he’d started. This way he had a small chance of making it to the resumption of his benefit relatively unscathed and still with a roof over his head. In the meantime, he would spend his dwindling funds on booze. It got him through the day.

He stared down at his ‘uniform’. Red and white – red and bloody white. The ultimate humiliation. No self-respecting Spurs supporter should be seen dead wearing these colours. And it was too sodding hot. And the damned beard itched like hell. And the stupid fluffy eyebrows kept falling off. The grotto still stank from the previous evening, when the last customer had thrown up a vast load of well-churned burger, chips, ice cream, chocolate and cola, along with a pint or so of gastric juices. The kid had demanded, in flagrant contravention of the clearly signposted terms and conditions parents were supposed to read before letting their offspring loose in the grotto, to sit on his knee. In the end he’d compromised and placed the designated customer chair over the joint in question – he was damned if he was going to be accused of some monstrous act by a snotty-nosed brat with an attitude problem – and listened impatiently as the boy recited an inordinately long list of preferred options, none of which cost less than a three-figure sum, before emptying his stomach without so much as a hiccup as advance warning. How he had escaped the child’s spectacular projectile vomiting was a complete mystery. If he didn’t know better he would have put it down to divine intervention.

Every day brought a fresh horror. He’d been draped with beer-stained Arsenal scarves by drunken Gooners, threatened with violent retribution by smartphone-eyed brats severely disappointed by last year’s presents, and scrutinised with suspicion by hatchet-faced young mothers convinced that any man who would do this job must surely have perverse intentions toward their sticky, rodent-like offspring. Last Saturday afternoon had been the worst so far. Parked in the grotto with only half an hour to go before knocking-off time, mouth watering at the prospect of a few pints in the Coach and Horses, followed by a good, long lie-in the next morning, he was thinking maybe things weren’t quite so bad after all – though that rosy hue may have been a side-effect of those regular nips of vodka and a couple of beers where others might have placed a sandwich. Then they appeared, marching haphazardly through the mall and squawking like flock of mad parakeets, antlered, festooned with tinsel and strings of flashing lights, hats that matched his own, swaying precariously on heels little more than long needles. A bloody hen party. His prayer for invisibility fell on deaf ears. When that first fake fingernail pointed in his direction, simultaneous with a screech that brought the rest of them to heel, he knew there would be no escape.

I bet we could make you come more than once a year.

Show us your red-nosed reindeer.

Was that you up my chimney last night?

Let’s see your sack.

And so it went. A stream of unoriginal innuendo. Mistletoe from somewhere. A cocktail of wet, mocking kisses. A drunken, gin-scented tongue squirming in his ear like a huge, panicked tadpole. Clammy hands roaming inside his costume. Interminable selfies, all trout-pouts and lewd gestures. When they eventually tottered off to the next unsuspecting bar, they’d stolen his hat and beard, broken the reindeer, drawn a moustache and spectacles on the polar bear, and one of them had taken a crafty leak inside the grotto, ruining the white bargain-basement nylon carpet that passed for snow. And he was sure their barrage of high-decibel squeals and chirrups had permanently damaged his hearing. Next time a hen party appeared he would up sticks and run for it, wages and benefits be buggered.

If all that wasn’t bad enough, there was the music blasted out by the mall PA system, a ceaseless loop of seasonal schmaltz and banality, the same ninety-minute compilation repeated eight times a day. One of the speakers was directly behind him, no more than twenty feet away. Put bars around the grotto, lighten his costume by a couple of shades of yellow, and he could be in Guantanamo Bay, though he suspected Camp X-Ray would be less degrading and not quite as brutal.

Now the first customer of the day was approaching, a stunted creature of indeterminate age, gender, ethnicity and species, swathed in acrylic wool and bulked out with quilting as insulation from the festive rain and freezing wind haunting the streets outside. Its head was partly concealed by an over-large mob cap. One of its hands grasped an unwrapped, half-eaten chocolate bar dripping with thick, brown saliva; the other terminated in an attractive young woman who was presumably its mother, though she could equally have been its older and better-dressed sister.

What followed was uncomfortably familiar, like being forced to watch an old home movie.

’Look, Santa,’ the child gurgled, dense brown liquid oozing from its mouth and down the little round chin. Its eyes lit up in wonder, a pair of muddy LEDs.

‘Santa can fuckin’ wait,’ snapped the probable mother. ‘I’m goin’ to the fuckin’ nail bar, an’ I gotta top up me phone, then we gotta get yer nan’s present an’ me fags.’

‘Santa,’ the kid repeated, its mouth turning down at the corners, leaking two small drops of brown goo.

‘For fuck’s sake, I told you, we ain’t got time. I’m meetin’ Wayne at two an’ I gotta drop you off at yer nan’s before I get ready to go out.’

The little eyes screwed tightly shut. ‘I want to see Santa,’ the tot grizzled, its mouth opening wide and letting loose a cascade that could have passed for diluted tar.

‘Now look what you fuckin’ done,’ the semi-adult growled. ‘It’s gone all down yer fuckin’ front. Fuckin’ showin’ me up in front of everyone.’ She delved into her bag, a Louis Vuiton knock-off if ever there was, and dredged up a wad of paper napkins emblazoned with the familiar golden arches. A quick wipe of the child’s quilted front, a stained, crumbled tissue dropped uncaringly on the mall floor.

‘Santa,’ the youngster sobbed, a bubble of snot inflating at her right nostril. Another wipe, more litter. The kid emitted a low, keening wail.

‘I can’t fuckin’ take you nowhere,’ the grown-up grumbled.

The smaller entity responded with a barely audible whisper. ‘Santa? Please?’

‘Pack it in, you little sod. Oh, fuck it. Go on then. Five minutes an’ that’s yer lot. As long as it fuckin’ shuts you up.’

The child scampered eagerly into the grotto, snatching off its headgear to reveal a mop of curly brown hair. A little girl – though obviously, as stated in the terms and conditions of his employment, in these days of alphabet soup fluidity it was wrong to make binary assumptions based on mere biology. Wary as this Santa was of very small children of any sexual orientation or self-identified gender, his heart went out to this one. Where her larger companion was dressed to the nines in clean, pressed and seemingly brand-new threads with fake designer labels, the kid’s grubby clothes had seen better days, probably on someone else’s back, and she needed a bath. The girl was an inconvenience, the barely tolerated by-product of a selfish existence. He’d seen it before, at very close quarters. Her infancy was, he suspected, the same as his had been – a disappeared father, a mother whose attention and resources were focused wholly upon herself. It had not been an ideal preparation for life. Hence his present situation: a man for whom low self-esteem and failure were self-fulfilling prophecies, dressed in the cheap costume of an imaginary being and paid peanuts to give others the sense of wonder and hope that had long ago vanished from his own heart.

‘Is that your mum?’ he asked, keeping his voice low.

The girl nodded shyly, gazing it him with big brown eyes that had never seen much worth seeing and probably never would. At best, he thought, she would grow up to be just like her mother. At worst, one of the world’s doormats, neglected and bereft of self-esteem, destined to be a combined domestic servant and punch-bag. But he would stick to the script.

‘What’s your name?’

‘Janie Smith. J-A-N-I-E. Nan taught me to spell it. My mum’s name is Chelsea, but I don’t know how to spell that. She works in a club. She’s got a boyfriend called Wayne. They went to America in the summer. I stayed with Nan. Mum’s got a Honda Civet. It’s red an’ shiny. But I’m not allowed in it in case I’m sick, like I was in her old car.’

‘How old are you?’


‘Have you been good this year?’

She nodded, then glanced at her mother, who was standing a few yards away, arms folded and face like curdled milk. The girl sighed and shook her head, casting her eyes down.

‘That’s alright,’ he said, reciting Option 2 of the set responses. ‘Nobody can be good all the time, can they? And it doesn’t matter, as long as you haven’t done anything really bad. What would you like for Christmas or whichever midwinter festival you celebrate?’

‘A puppy,’ she said quietly. ‘But mum won’t let me have one. Vet bills an’ food costs too much. She won’t be able to buy fags an’ Processo.’

Bugger the script. ‘You mean Prosecco. Horrible stuff. I think I’d rather have a dog. What sort of things do you like to do?’

A shrug. ‘Drawing an’ painting best. An’ playing. An’ stories. An’ choc’late. Mum gets me choc’late from Poundland. She says it keeps me quiet. It’s cheap.’

‘Have you got lots of pencils and crayons, paints and paper?’

She shook her head. ‘Mum says it’s a waste of money, cos it’ll only get used up or thrown out.’

 ‘If you had a puppy, would you take good care of it? Make sure it has enough to eat and drink?’

A firm nod, serious eyes. ‘My friend Ibiza’s got a Staffie but he bites. Nan’s got a Yorkie called Freddie. I go with her when she takes him for a walk. She lets me hold his lead, an’ I like giving him his baths an’ brushin’ him, an’ playin’ with him in the garden. I want a cockatoo.’

‘I think you mean a cockerpoo. Do you live near here?’

Another nod. ‘We live in Grant Avenue. There’s a shop on the corner. It smells funny.’

That would be Pongo, the no doubt ironically-named ‘artisan’ toiletries store. He’d been in there once, just out of curiosity, in more affluent times. Their products did have some unusual scents, predominantly horse manure and rancid cat piss. The organic liquorice soap he’d bought as a novelty looked like a freshly-released dog turd when he unwrapped it, and didn’t smell much better. It went straight in the bin. No wonder the hipster behind the counter had smiled liked that when he handed over that tenner. ‘I know it.’

The girl reached out and stroked his beard. ‘It feels like cotton wool,’ she said, smiling. ‘Are you really Santa?’

‘Yes, of course I am. And I can prove it.’ He reached down to the small sack filled with packets of sweets that were supposed to be dished out to customers as they departed, a token down-payment on festive treats to come. The kids were not to leave empty-handed, that was the rule – number 47, if he remembered correctly. ‘Here,’ he said, handing her the whole sack. ‘All yours, Janie. Merry Christmas. Now you wait here a minute. I’m just going to have a quick word with your mother.’

By this time the woman was busy with her iPhone, perhaps checking for messages from Wayne, more probably admiring her selfies on Facebook. Her eyes widened with surprise when Santa suddenly appeared before her.

‘Chelsea Smith?’ He took his employee ID card from his pocket and flashed it quickly, before she could notice the mall logo. ‘Richard Hannay, Child Protection Agency,’ he lied. ‘I’m working undercover. We’ve had our eye on you for some time.’

The woman blanched. ‘Child Protection? What am I supposed to’ve fuckin’ done?’

He exhaled a sigh and shook his head sadly. ‘It’s more what you haven’t done. You haven’t taken care of her, for one thing. I mean, just look at her. Charity shop clothes that need cleaning as badly as she does. And she’s as unhappy as any kid I’ve ever seen. You don’t beat her, and she appears adequately fed, I’ll give you that. But otherwise it’s a clear case of neglect, physical and emotional. Are you aware of the penalties for that? Do you know she could be placed in care?’

She gasped, slumped, then rallied, reflex indignation. ‘Who fuckin’ grassed me up? Was it that fuckin’ old bitch at number seventeen?’

‘A concerned citizen, that’s all you need to know. Someone who is genuinely interested in Janie’s welfare. But that’s the least of your worries. I’m not impressed by what I’ve seen today, Ms Smith. My report will reflect that. However, I am prepared to give you a chance to make things better.’

Like most people, Chelsea Smith had only a dim idea of what the law could or could not do. And an inbred fear of people in authority, which in her bubble of a world meant anyone with a laminated photo ID card, a reasonable vocabulary and diction, and a stern attitude, even if they had bloodshot eyes and were dressed as Father Christmas with one fluffy white eyebrow hanging loose. ‘Yer fuckin’ jokin’ me, right?’ she queried, her voice quavering.

He frowned. ‘This is anything but a joke, Ms Smith. You have until the end of February to turn things around. Our officers will be keeping a close watch on Grant Avenue, and if they do not see the expected improvements – well, I’m sure I don’t need to spell it out. The courts do not look kindly upon those convicted of neglecting their children.’

She nodded frantically, no doubt envisaging money draining from her hands, perhaps even picturing herself behind bars, vilified in the press and on social media. ‘End of Feb, right. What’ve I gotta do?’

He could have screamed. This young woman was bloody clueless. ‘Well, for starters you can give her a good bath, clean the clothes she has, and get her some new ones. Spend more time with her, preferably without shouting or swearing. Read to her. Take her out, not just when you go shopping but for herself – a film, the zoo, a walk in the park, feed the ducks. Buy her some paints, coloured pencils, a sketch book, something like that. Kids like to draw, don’t they? I know I did when I was her age. Little things like that can make a big difference.’

‘I can’t afford all that.’

‘But you can afford a brand new Honda Civic. A nice red one, I believe. You can afford those expensive clothes. You can afford to smoke. You can afford to jet off on holiday to the USA with your boyfriend. All things considered, I would say you could also afford to cut down just a little on your personal luxuries so that your child can have a proper upbringing. You can make a start by getting her something nice for Christmas, something that shows you care about her. I suggest a puppy. Normally I would be against giving pets as Christmas presents. My friend in the Animal Welfare Unit has told me some very sad tales of puppies and kittens abandoned after Christmas. But I think a dog would be ideal for Janie. Pet ownership can teach people a great deal about responsibility. We would be monitoring the dog’s progress along with Janie’s, of course. A cockerpoo would be an excellent choice, as they’re good with children. In fact, I strongly recommend it. As my report will show.’

‘A fuckin’ dog? Yer havin’ a laugh. It’ll need feedin’ – an’ I’ll get hairs all over me bleedin’ clothes,’ she protested.

‘You can feed a dog for a day for less than it costs to buy a bottle of Prosecco or a pint of lager. And you appear to be able-bodied, so I’m sure you can brush your clothes without too much trouble.’

She attempted another rally. ‘I’ve got rights, you know. I’ve got the right to – er…’ That was as far as she got. Everyone knew they had rights, but only a few people seemed to know what they were, or that other people also had rights. Their best guess was usually that they had the right to do as they damned well pleased, which was probably why so many morons ended up behind bars for doing really stupid things.

‘Your child also has rights,’ he said sternly. ‘And you have responsibilities, legally and morally. It’s a simple choice. What’s more important to you – your fun and ego, or your child’s welfare and happiness?’

The real answer to that question was written all over her face, but she knew she was cornered. ‘Me kid, innit?’

He glared at her. ‘We’ll hold you to that, Ms Smith. Just remember, we know where you live. You’re on our list, and we’ll be checking, so you’d better watch out. Now take your child somewhere and give her a treat. Buy her some crayons and paper, something decent. And remember, cut out the bad language. Children are impressionable.’

Chelsea Smith scuttled away, pausing only to collect Janie from the grotto. He watched with grim satisfaction as they entered the nearby toyshop. Giving that self-obsessed young mother a dressing-down – not to mention posing as an official from a fictitious council department and making threats he had no authority to make – had not made him feel good. The woman was merely a product of her time, hypnotised by the sight of her face on a screen, learning to be the way she was by following the televised misadventures of a growing army of accidental celebrities who revelled in their shallowness and vanity, and who believed a pretty face and a six-pack or fake tits excused all ignorance, stupidity and poor behaviour.

No, he didn’t feel good about what he had just done. He had no sense of pride. But he felt righteous. Maybe he had made a small difference to one child’s life, if only for a few weeks or months. It was, he thought, probably the best thing he had ever done. Perhaps this good deed would change his luck – assuming, of course, that Somebody Up There had been paying attention, which he very much doubted.

He looked at his watch. Fifteen minutes until his break. He needed a cigarette and a good snort of vodka after that performance. Maybe he should have taken up acting. Too late now, of course. He shook his head wearily and resumed his position in the grotto, trying unsuccessfully to stick the errant eyebrow back on. The music changed, from ‘Jingle Bells’ to ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’.

The exultant screech made him look up, though for some reason he saw the pointing fingernail before the sound registered. Then they were heading straight for him, a tottering nightmare phalanx of heels, squeals, tinsel and antlers. His heart sank. Another bloody hen party? At this time of the morning?

‘Oh, for – ’

Alby Stone: Dog and Pony Show

Copyright (c) 2017 Alby Stone

It isn’t often that I’m intimidated. Never, in fact. But this was the exception that proved the rule. Usually when I’m called to business appointments I find the client on his or her knees in a muddy puddle, clutching some kind of offering – just lately I’ve had my bloody fill of chickens – alone and possessed of a facial expression somewhere between surprise, desperate hope and abject terror. But this – well, it was outside even my extensive experience.

He was on his knees right enough, and in the traditional position; but that was as far as it went. The patellae in question were resting on a white velvet cushion embroidered with the Stars and Stripes. The offering – at least, that’s what I at first took it to be – appeared to be some kind of small mammal, perhaps a Persian cat or angora rabbit with improbably coiffed bottle-blonde fur, curled up asleep on top of the man’s head. And the unidentifiable creature’s human perch wasn’t alone.

‘Who the hell are they?’ I pointed at the group of men and women standing in the road behind my latest client. I’ll call him Jones. Client confidentiality would ordinarily be enough, but this bloke would sue even me if I gave him half a chance.

‘Them? Oh, they’re my people. Bodyguards, PA, personal trainer, stylist, campaign manager, a couple of gofers. And my lawyers, of course. I don’t even take a shit without legal representation.’ Three men wearing suits that put my hand-tailored Italian masterpiece to shame nodded courteously, if a trifle coldly. Their eyes flashed like supermarket checkout displays.

The client squinted suspiciously. ‘Say, you got a beard. Are you a Muslim?’

I ignored him and focused on my surroundings, hitherto unnoticed due to my fascination with the client’s entourage, and his odd choice and location of offering. There were more people, quite a lot of them. Bright lights all around. And cars, heavy traffic. It all seemed familiar but I couldn’t quite place it. That’s disorientation for you. ‘Where are we?’

 ‘The junction of Virginia Avenue NW and 19th Street NW, DC,’ one of the client’s flunkeys replied, after checking a map. ‘It’s at the centre of a triangle formed by the White House, the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Memorial. This is an auspicious place, right at the heart of power in this great nation.’

‘Not the sort of power you’ll be getting your hands on anytime soon, mate,’ I growled under my breath. ‘Let my client speak for himself,’ I continued aloud. ‘There’s a good boy.’

Jones was still squinting. ‘You sound like a Brit, just like on the TV show. That’s good. I like the British. They know how to do the right thing.’

‘Unlike you,’ I observed. ‘Traditionally the client requests my presence at a deserted crossroads at midnight – alone, not with a bloody circus trailing behind him. Or her,’ I added. Historically, women have rarely requested my services in this manner. The recent flurry of female supplicants was, I supposed, a heartening sign that gender equality was finally becoming a reality. Though my client would no doubt put the kybosh on that if his grasping hands ever held the reins of authority.

‘I do things my way or not at all,’ said Jones, puffing himself out like a gamecock. ‘So what do I call you?’

I shrugged. ‘You can call me “Sir”, “Lord”, “Master”, whatever seems appropriate.’

The man frowned, which seemed to cause the animal on his head some discomfort. ‘Hey, I’m on first-name terms with everyone. That’s my style. But whatever suits you, pal.’

Pal? In all my years no one had ever addressed me in such a manner. I bristled, tempted to show him there and then precisely what suited me. I smiled instead. Payment for his insolence could wait. The long game has always been the most satisfying. Mind you, that night I was on a tight timetable.

‘Look, you called me. Can we just get on with this? Lemmy was in the middle of a great story about Hendrix when you called. I thought the bishop was going to piss himself. Mind you, that might have just been the sight of my butler stoking the fireplace. And I have an appointment elsewhere.’

‘Okay,’ said the client. One of the lawyers leaned over and whispered in his ear. ‘Yeah, got it. Where were we? Oh yeah, I want to be President.’

That much was already public knowledge and I told him so.

‘Yeah, but there may be – obstacles, capisce? Certain things in my past that might be better forgotten. By everyone, know what I mean? Things that’ll probably take a little more than putting a positive spin on them.’

‘I’m the Father of Lies,’ I pointed out. ‘Or at least I was until recently. These days I feel like a sodding amateur. Honestly, are you modern politicians totally incapable of telling the bloody truth?’

Jones made that Mussolini face that certain kinds of mindless bigot find just adorable. I brightened. I would soon be in possession of a fine pair of bookends. They’d look good above one of the fireplaces, in one of the more distant chambers that I hardly ever visited. If there’s one thing attention-seekers hate, it’s being ignored. I do what I can.

‘Anyway,’ I said. ‘What’s the offering? And why on earth have you got it on top of your head?’

He stared at me blankly. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ He snapped his fingers and another of his people stepped forward, nervously – and with not a little difficulty – clutching a large, angry, squirming rooster. Black, of course.

‘It’s still alive,’ I pointed out.

‘Yeah, we weren’t sure of the protocol. Thought you might prefer to off the critter yourself. Who’s got the machete?’

The client’s people huddled together and conferred. Hands were spread, heads shaken and blame exchanged. It was as clear as day that no one had remembered the machete. Eventually a hapless lackey was selected to impart the bad news to his boss, whose face turned crimson with fury and as distorted as a choice Notre Dame gargoyle when he began what was surely the bollocking against which all subsequent bollockings would be measured. I checked my watch. At this rate I was going to miss that Black Sabbath gig I’d been looking forward to. The tickets had cost an arm and a leg. Not mine, obviously.

‘Look, if it’s all the same to you I’m quite happy with a live one.’

The client narrowed his eyes. ‘But I was told you liked a big black – ’

I wagged a finger in warning. ‘Not one more word about poultry, sunshine. Right, so you want to be the leader of the so-called free world. What’s in it for me?’

For the first time he seemed unsure of himself. ‘Well, my soul, of course.’

‘Actually, I already have that. A contract with me is made more by deed than spoken or written agreement. Bad actions constitute a kind of IOU.’

‘Bad actions? What the fuck did I do?’

Normally I would have given an evil laugh and vanished in a puff of sulphurous smoke, but he seemed genuinely baffled. That’s the trouble with sociopaths. Even if they know they’ve done wrong it just doesn’t register. Lack of conscience is also lack of self-awareness, and no amount of narcissism can make up for it. I felt duty-bound to spell it out.

‘You haven’t exactly led a blameless life, Mr Jones. You claim to be a Christian, yet you’ve lied, cheated, stolen and fornicated your way through several decades of existence. You’ve bullied, threatened, insulted, defamed and humiliated more people than most of your supporters could count, assuming they even possess basic numeracy skills. You’ve admitted committing numerous sexual assaults. You believe the strong have a duty to exploit the weak, a belief which has been expressed in almost every action you have ever taken. Do you really think I might not have noticed?’

The Foghorn Leghorn defence response kicked in again. Mussolini took the stage once more. ‘Yeah, but I’m a fucking Christian. So I grab a little pussy now and again, and I never give a sucker an even break. Big fucking deal. I earned the right to take what I want when I want it. That’s the American Dream, pal. And that’s what my election campaign is all about, the whole dog and pony show. I want to make America great again. When I’m President I’m gonna kick out those godless Mexican Catholics and the Muslims, get rid of ObamaCare, abolish all gun control laws, put the faggots and feminazis in their place, and make sure the people who create the wealth get to keep it, whatever they’ve made and no matter how. What the fuck’s wrong with that?’

I was almost speechless. I’d only met one person with a similar degree of self-righteous arrogance, and that was the guy who’d given me my job. It was probably just as well that although Jones was nearly as bad-tempered and vengeful as the Almighty, he didn’t have the omniscience and omnipotence to give it substance. Mind you, once he got his hands on the CIA and those nuclear codes he wouldn’t be far off.

‘In broad theological terms, all Jewish, Muslim and Christian sects believe in the same God. And the same Devil. Do you really think God gives a shit about beards, hairstyles, pictures, language or whether or not a woman keeps her head covered? It’s God, for Christ’s sake – he’s got more to worry about than that. He’s trying to keep the universe in one piece and all you lot can do is think up new ways to argue with your neighbours. And kill them. God didn’t invent nations and religions – you did. He didn’t invent guns. He’s not offended by nudity or sex. He didn’t create America – that was all down to planet formation, geology and the unfathomable human fetish for lines on maps. He didn’t even make you humans. All he did was create life and allow it the freedom to evolve. So don’t any of you use religion to justify your actions. Like all living creatures, you have free will in accordance with your biology. How you choose to employ it is up to you. But you have to accept the consequences.’

‘What consequences?’

‘In your case, it means sitting at one end of a bookshelf for all eternity. In a library nobody ever visits. Though I’m sure I can arrange the occasional social call from some of the Mexicans and Muslims you’ve pissed off.’

The face grew redder. ‘You can’t do that to me. Do you know who I am?’

There it was, the plaintive cry of the self-important man caught with his trousers down. ‘Of course I know. And you know who I am. Otherwise you wouldn’t have called me, right?’

One of the lawyers tapped his shoulder and whispered something. ‘Yeah, right,’ said Jones. ‘Let’s get back to business. My attorneys have drawn up the contract. All we have to do is sign.’

‘No,’ I said. ‘No contract, no deal.’

He stared at me again, this time in disbelief. Behind him, a dozen jaws dropped in sycophantic unison. ‘You can’t refuse,’ he hissed. ‘My people have done the research. I know you can’t refuse.’

I nodded. ‘Technically, I shouldn’t. And in most cases I wouldn’t. But as I said, your soul is already mine. I know you have a history of unethical business dealings but you simply can’t sell me something I already possess. In short, you have nothing to bargain with. I am, therefore, remaining strictly neutral. You win or lose without my help or hindrance. The American people can make their own mistakes.’

‘I can do what the fuck I like, you limey punk. Okay, if my soul isn’t good enough, I can give you much more than that. Three hundred twenty million, give or take.’

Oh, dear. Someone had been talking. And had earned himself a little extra-special treatment a few years down the line. I was going to enjoy that. Confidentiality is a two-way street. ‘Well, as you have apparently heard, I did recently make a deal with someone whose soul was already my property, but who was able to offer me something else. But he had the wherewithal to deliver. You, on the other hand, have nothing to offer except that poor chicken. And that weird thing on your head, which frankly I don’t want because it gives me the creeps. Tell me, does your nation’s Constitution say anything about the President making decisions on behalf of the people with the people’s full consent?’

‘No, we have a long and proud tradition of not trusting the government, and especially not the President.’

‘Quite. I am well acquainted with many Americans who hold that view. I was talking to a Mr McVeigh about it only a couple of years ago. It seems you people really do believe that two wrongs make a right. But I digress. Anyway, have you yourself not said that the electoral process is rigged?’

‘Well, if I don’t win then obviously it is.’

‘But you would agree that means no American citizen should accept or trust the outcome, no matter what that is?’     

‘Not unless I win.’

I shook my head, making sure the tip of my beard remained steady and aimed in his direction. ‘That isn’t logical, is it? Rigged is rigged, after all. But my point is that mistrust of the President is integral to the American way of thinking. Unlike, say, the United Kingdom, where there is a tacit understanding and consent that representative democracy is a pyramid with the Prime Minister at its top, a structure that allows the Prime Minister to make decisions for the entire country, the United States of America is a federation. Each state has its own legislature, its own government. Furthermore, all branches of the federal government – executive, judicial and legislative, including the office of President – are answerable to a higher authority. The Constitution. And what does the Constitution guarantee?’

‘The right to bear arms,’ he said, crossing his own and pouting like a freshly grounded teenage girl. ‘The right to pursue happiness, and screw anyone who doesn’t like it. The right to say what the fuck I want.’

‘It’s a bit more than that,’ I sighed. ‘Its opening words are “We, the people of the United States of America”; and it is a document that makes it absolutely clear that the US government exists to serve the people. In the UK, people are subjects; they serve government. Your Constitution guarantees individual liberty and collective equality. In short, although the President may speak on behalf of the people, he or she cannot in any way deprive them of liberty unless such a deprivation is as the result of due legislative process. In short, the souls of the American people are not yours to give away.’ I pointed a finger at the client’s people. ‘And you can tell Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel over there not to bother checking the law books. The Constitution trumps everything.’

Jones began to shout, incoherently at first. After what were for me a few enjoyable and entertaining moments he regained a semblance of self-control and a sort of intelligibility returned. ‘Don’t get all clever with me, asshole. I’m gonna sue you for every last fucking buck. Breach of contract.’

I smiled. ‘There is no contract. Anyway, you can’t sue me. United States ex relatione Gerald Mayo versus Satan and his Staff, United States District Court, Western District of Pennsylvania 1971.’ I nodded at the lawyers. ‘You can look that one up. It’s an object lesson in what happens when you allow deranged fuckwits unfettered access to the legal system. I was in the public gallery that day. I’d never even heard of the plaintiff. Typical, blaming me for his own mistakes. Bearing false witness, a broken commandment too far, as I like to tell him. And he had the bloody nerve to claim I was an American, thanks to that silly story by Stephen Vincent Benét. Couldn’t even tell fact from fiction, like most humans nowadays. Or ever, come to think of it. Still, one day, eh? Hope springs eternal, and all that.’

Unable to contain his rage, Jones screamed and punched the air and stamped his feet. I was slightly disappointed that he didn’t do a Rumpelstiltskin and deliver both halves of his miserable, shrivelled soul to me there and then, but it was still fun to watch. His entourage – some of whom had clearly been on the receiving end of his tantrums before, as they were already backing away – turned on their heels and ran. I tuned out Jones’ ridiculous display for a few seconds while I considered the fact that they were more afraid of him than they were of me. On reflection, I was indeed rather less dangerous than Jones. I could just picture him with his Mussolini face and petulant pout, jabbing a meaty finger down on a lethal red button just because of a bad morning on the golf course or an offensive tweet. The man was downright fucking scary. Yes, they were right to run.

I scooped up the chicken, which clucked amiably and snuggled contentedly against me. He was a handsome little fellow, and quite good-natured now his captors had beaten a retreat. ‘I think I’ll keep him,’ I said to Jones. ‘I bet I can train him to peck at eyes. I shall call him Johnson.’

‘Johnson? What kinda dumb name is that for a rooster?’

‘He just reminds me of another big, not very bright cock I know,’ I replied. ‘Just be thankful he isn’t a duck.’ I began the usual disappearing procedure. Sulphurous smoke isn’t as easy to conjure up as you might think, and it had been a long night. I looked at my watch again. If I got a shift on I could take Johnson to his new home, get him settled, see to some business, and make it to the Black Sabbath concert in time to get a couple of beers in and check out the merchandise stall before heading for the mosh pit. I was really looking forward to seeing Ozzy. He was getting on a bit and with my busy schedule this would probably be the last chance I ever had to see him perform live. Or dead. Don’t believe the stories.

I waved cheerfully at Jones as the thick, yellow smoke began to rise. ‘I’ll see you when the dog and pony show is over,’ I said genially. Johnson squawked happily. He seemed to appreciate the scent of brimstone.

‘Yeah? I’ll see you in Hell first, buster,’ Jones sneered.

I patted the rooster’s head. ‘Precisely. Come on, Johnson, let’s go home and have dinner. I’m not sure what chickens eat, to be honest, but have you ever tried eyeballs?’